SUPANOVA

Jumbled up emotions

2005-10-20T23:23:00.000+08:00

When I was done writing the blog entry today, realizing that God is going to be there for me always... I decided to spend majority of the remaining 2 hours to speak to the Lord. It'd been a long time since I spent time with Jesus one on one for such a long period. I was focused on Jesus, offering my deepest concerns and prayers to him...

I was feeling extremely nervous the entire day... and even after the practical session in the morning, didn't really help to calm my nerves. I looked to Jesus... praying that He will send grace upon me. As I spoke to him... I expressed my deepest shortcomings, my mistakes, my faults, and just about everything negative I could think of to Him... even perhaps discrediting to whatever good works I've done for the past few years.

I shared with the Lord again about how my life took a turn for the worse in 1998... what a serious mistake that led me to make nest errors as each month and year went past in a blink of an eye. How meeting Pearlie affected my relationship with Mavis... the emotions and decisions I made in the past... why I chose to make them and what the results of the consequences were after doing that... it brought back a lot of hurtful and sorrowful memories while sharing it with Jesus... but Jesus was sitting just right there in front of me... listening to my worries and troubles... reminding me through the Holy spirit, that I don't need to brood over such things and that He's already forgiven me...

I prayed like I've never prayed before for a test/exam... and it didn't feel like it was a long prayer... felt God's presence quite strongly after the prayer. I realized that eversince I got my 'O' level results, I thought that I could do almost anything I wanted... but what I didn't know and realized too late was that it was so important for me to have chosen a career path and stick with it all the way, only that would enable me to end up getting a proper job with a respectable reputation starting early when I go to work.

However even as I erred on so many occasions, I realized that God had always been there for me, doing big and small miracles here and there... making sure that whatever I do I don't land myself into harm. Which is really typical of a Father caring for His child... and I thanked the Lord for all those opportunities and things that He'd given me.

After praying... it was still a bit early, so I went to take a shower and changed before I set off. I almost underestimated the time I needed to shower and get ready to set off. But the Lord was right there for me sending bus 187 with just a couple minutes of waiting at the bus stop. I then arrived 12 mins earlier at the centre, and didn't really need to wait that long as compared to my previous test.

My warm-up kind of made me lose my self-confidence a little again... I didn't strike any kerbs this time. But I had a lot of hiccups to changing gears, speed adjustments, and also braking, which was pointed out by the instructor. I was nervous. I think I'm not really a good driver at that point of time, but I pressed on, applying what everyone has taught me. I'd forgotten that the warm-up was actually really short, and when it was over, negative vibes began to creep into that weak head of mine. My heart began to race... I was getting more and more nervous.

As I took my seat just outside the TP counter, I realized that I'd totally forgotten that I left my bag in the backseat of the car, and that almost destroyed me, everyone was relaxed enough to take their bags up with them. I sat there, trying my best to filter the negative thoughts away... but I was just soooo nervous. My mind had already halted, and I was just overcome with nervousness that I could hardly think. The nervousness had already moved on to panic.

But then I began to ask myself, am I going to pass or fail? If I'm going to pass, I just need to do what I've been taught so far. If I'm going to fail, its going to mean that I've not learnt anything after so many lessons. Am I a qualified driver? And my answer to that was... It's not that I dunno how to drive, in fact I can drive. If I do everything correctly as expected of what the instructors had taught me, I guess at least I can say I've done my best, pass or fail its up to them to decide. And I kept telling myself that I can drive and I just need to do things properly... it did help to calm my nerves, but I was still nervous.

Finally the chief tester called us into the room, there were about 8-10 of us taking the test. We balloted and I got test route number 2. Looked at route, man... I'd need to go down all the way to bukit batok central to do that U-turn. I tried to nail the route into my head. So then we began waiting for our names to be called out, I was still nervous. Got called up, and there was my tester... didn't seem as friendly as the other testers who smiled at the ladies.

Got down to the car, got in, seat belt, engine switched on, slowly tried to compose myself and go through the checks. Adjusted the mirrors, and I adjusted the left side mirror looking at my right one instead! Luckily I didn't panic, but I was still nervous. Tester said ok ready to go, so I started off... I made the engine whir a little loud because I dare not clutch out, then I remembered I got to clutch out more. When traffic was clear, I set off smoothly and switched to 2nd gear.

My circuit was done perfectly, didn't clip at kerbs, parked straight, signaled correctly, slope was perfectly done, did all my checks. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when I completed the circuit. There was one lady learner that mounted the entire kerb, not once, not twice, but 3 times from 1 kerb to the next! And I could see her covering her mouth as the car just went over the kerb, while I was just about to parallel park. I almost hit the kerb while doing my crank course... Almost man... was so close.

As I was going out to the road, I made a right turn too late with an oncoming car, and the tester said "Why did u make the turn? The car was so close cannot see ah?", and I nodded my head pressing my lips. I slowly made my way out, and had to make a right turn, this was where my judgement had to come into the picture, I had to wait for a little longer than usual, but I managed to make a decision, and my right turn was almost perfect. Later on I'd change lane and ended up overtaking an oncoming car, then the tester exclaimed, "How can you change lane like that? Didn't you see the car on the right? You got to look in front!" I felt bad... but I didn't let it affect my performance, and I continued to do what I needed to do while making another right turn.

And we just headed back to the driving centre very quickly, everything else was ok. The tester lectured me about my blind spots, that I check too much. "Checking blind spot too much can make u blind" he said. And kept lecturing me emphasising and asked if I checked the mirror, I realized my mistake and he continued saying it to me. I maintained eye contact with him, listening to him... and I began to think... "I'm gonna get immediate failure for changing lane without due care..." And my heart began to sink... but then he finally said "I'm going to let you pass... blah blah blah" and my heart was like "WHHOOOOOPPEEEEEEE!!!!" but I had to keep those emotions under control as he haven't started marking the test script yet. 14 points... wow... I passed... I really didn't know what to feel then... I didn't know if I kept my composure to put up a front... or whether I was really remorseful for the mistake that I've made not checking the mirrors.

I was trying my best to keep my emotions controlled, I didn't know for what... scared lose face or prevent myself from hurting someone who just failed. I was still thinking a lot... I needed to let go... but I couldn't do so... even when I called baby... I didn't sound all that happy about it. Deep down inside I wanted to explode, but I really couldn't... I began to suppress my joy throughout the rest of my day...

While having dinner with baby... I wanted so much to tell her exactly what happened, but there just wasn't enough time to share... and I knew how she was feeling and I didn't want her to feel the same way as me bottling up my emotions with no outlet to let go... So I decided to let her go first... at least at the end of the day, she'd feel really happy.

But then I realized that I was suppressing my joy so much... and that I had no outlet to express... not even to my family yet. And the lecture started off bad... had to do a summary of an article given last week which I didn't bring... and Dr Ann was gonna call out 6-7 pple to answer the summary. I was sitting front... and I wasn't in a good mood already... let alone approach the guy 2 seats away asking him to share the article with me... I felt really lousy...

I left the class to the canteen, feeling miserable for no reason, and also to escape from having being called out and being publicly embarassed for not contributing to the class as I really had no mood to ask a stranger to share the article with me. Pure irony isn't it? I had a cup of chinese tea... and I began to picture Jesus sitting opposite me, being there for me... it did comfort me a little bit... but still I had no outlet to express my feelings and joy. I realized that the joy of passing the test had disappeared... and I really wanted to share with baby about it... but that was just how I felt at that point of time. I guess if baby read this she'd be very upset with herself... but I don't blame her... I mean she's really happy too... and it must always be me who bring her down... and I really don't want to do that. Again I got to control my emotions.

But poor baby had her lesson stretch till almost 10.20pm. Stupid lecturer, I think he's going to get complained for holding back the class so late. Does it really take so much time? Perhaps he probably has an explanation for that. Sigh... but baby came out fine and dandy... still smiling ear to ear... well at least one of us is happy.... she called candice and shared with her about her victory... me? I wanted to call Lee too, but I felt that she'd be jealous and hurt if I did so. She let me drive her car back to my place, and when I reached home, she was still on the phone. I guess there's nothing much I could say... just wait for her lor... so I parked the car for awhile... waiting for her to finish sharing. I was exhausted... drained... moody... and patheticly unenthusiastic about passing my driving... I really felt like a piece of shit last night in front of baby. But I tried to look happy and kiss her goodbye.

I think I'll go for a run right now... weather's been very nice. Pray that God will relieve me of my brokenness.

Glorious Redeemer

2005-10-20T11:42:00.000+08:00

Woke up really early this morning, didn't really have a nice dream. Hoped to fall asleep again dream about something better, but I just flipped side to side at around 5 plus am in the morning, and finally decided to just get out of bed.

I'm going to have my driving test again (2nd time) later on at 1535 hrs. I'm going to have a warm up session, and after that I'll be going for my test. This morning I had a lesson which didn't go very smoothly. The instructor rose his voice at me and was picking on my mistakes, and I realized that I'd been overcomplacent at some parts of the circuit. I'd been making my turns too early and my rear wheels almost hit the kerb on more than 3 occasions. It meant that I needed to steer later to give more allowance. The easiest of courses turned out to be the source of my demise as I struck the kerb during my first run in the morning, and it was because I kept too close to one particular side of the road and I didn't give enough allowance. But as I proceeded to the rest of the stations, everything seemed pretty alright.

My mind needs to be at its most alert state during my driving later, I'll need to look everywhere and make good traffic judgements before I decide to do anything with my vehicle. I can drive already, right now its a matter of my judgement of the traffic conditions and situations that will determine whether I'll pass. The instructor just now exclaimed that my chances of passes at the point of time was only about 60-70%, and much of the lack of passing percentage is due to my turning radius judgement. Striking kerbs are a big no-no... my gdness I gotta be more careful later.

When I came back I watched an amazing episode of Bleach, Ichigo had completed his training and had become really strong. It was really cool.

I decided since there was a lot of time left from now till 2 pm plus I could take a break to watch Coach Carter. But the network connection was a little too slow... and bro restarted the router while I was watching halfway... it was ok cos my mind was completely focused on the test later.

So I decided to turn to my bible... praying and hoping that God will send me a verse... but as I was flipping and reading proverbs, nothing really came up. Then I got a call from Steve who's Tim's friend, Tim smsed me that Steve would be calling me soon regarding a job. Turned out that he needed someone to help out with an exhibition at suntec next weekend. As he explained to me the job scope, I told myself I got to think properly before I decide to give a yes or a no... so I asked him abt the job, what the working hours are like, when it will start... and it clashed with my classes... and I've made a decision to put my studies as probably 2nd top priority, and this job didn't seem to fit the category of my first priority... and it clashed with my lessons, so I had to turn him down... felt a little bad, and wondered a little if I should have accepted his offer.

However the Grace of God came immediately... my bible was at Isaiah, and I flipped a page or so and saw chapter 41 verse 10... which really really applied so much to my current situation...

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

and looking down to verse 13

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'"

and verse 14

"Fear not, you worm Jacob, You men of Israel! I will help you," says the Lord and your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Wow... I knew that God has always been at my side constantly showering me with love and attention wherever I go and whatever I do.

Thank you Jesus for being there for me... I pray that you will help me pass!

Also... Lord I pray that you will also let Selene get through the kebaya test and the rest of the interview tests... She's been feeling down and I pray that you will encourage her with your presence and send angels to fight away devils who keep hounding her Lord.

Thank you for ur forgiving and merciful heart. You are my Glorious Redeemer. I will do my best for my driving later. I continue to ask you for your blessings Lord Jesus, AMEN!!!

Touched by God

2005-10-16T12:58:00.000+08:00

I just came back from a run, and I've been feeling extremely depressed... I know Selene managed to get what she wanted just by doing everything correctly. I wonder if there was any need for me to be around in the first place.

Clocked a timing of 15.52 secs... about 10 secs slower than yesterday.

I've really not been the happiest person the past few days... everything's not going that smoothly for me...

But I experienced something tremendous this morning. I was just feeling so down this morning... so I decided to go for a run. Guess what... dark clouds began to start hovering over the sky and I thought... "sigh... looks like I can't run tonight..." so I decided to watch tv for awhile instead.

But there wasn't any nice show showing on tv... and about 20 mins later, I realized that it hadn't began to rain. Then something just struck me... it was as if God told me, "Westin don't worry, I'll hold back the rain for awhile, it will be just nice when you finish your run."

So I put on my shoes, took my key and went downstairs. It began to drizzle, but it was almost perfect weather for a run. After the run, I managed to catch my breath... and I was feeling rather emotional again. I haven't talked abt the crucial part... IT DID NOT RAIN WHILE I WAS RUNNING! By the time I completed my run it was still drizzling slightly! Oh Lord my God how great and faithful you are to me...

After running I went over the fitness corner to do crunches and push-ups. And something really beautiful happened. I tell you I really experienced the presence of God at this moment. It was beginning to rain already... and I was probably doing my 40th crunch... a little boy toddler just popped up right beside me while I was lying down... and he was just mumbling something to me... I had no idea what the little boy was saying... but he was just really such a cute little boy and I smiled immediately when I saw him... imagine it was beginning to rain already and this little 1 yr old came out from nowhere, I asked him where's his mummy and daddy, but he seemed so calm and I was thinking that they might be probably nearby. And even while I continued my crunches, he just stood there adorably watching me exercise. And he kept saying the same verse over and over again... till I finally repeated the exact same thing to him, his reaction was so cute... Seeing him just really made me smile so widely and felt so much peace at that particular moment. After which he heard his dad call out to him from afar, and he wondered how he was going to get to his dad for awhile. So he plucked up his courage and began to walk forward... however he tripped and fell, and his dad finally came out in the rain to pick him up and bring him to shelter. I wasn't wearing my glasses the whole time... but I could see the little boy so clearly just now... he was really so cute.

While walking my way home in the rain, I really felt God touching me... walking in the rain felt like it was the only way God was ever able to touch me physically... and I really felt God's presence saying "its ok Westin... I'm right here for you and I will give you my support and encouragement." And I just really felt so thankful and touched by God... He really really loves me... and I'm sure that it was by His will that today He was going to pay attention to me. Even though He might have let it rain for other purposes... but I'm just so convinced that one of the purposes included touching me and give me the support and encouragement that I needed.

Thank you God, and also Jesus... for being there for me right at the point where I needed you most. I will always praise and worship you. Thank you Jesus... I love you.

Its been 3 months...

2005-08-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

Its been a long while since I got to write and pour out all the stuff that's been whirling not just in Brain but in Heart as well. Lotsa stuff has happened and I'm just really so drained and tired at times that I really can't help forgetting those things that happened.

Eversince Selene got together again after that incident... yet we still had some disputes over some of the little things that I failed to do. For example leaving her in the car and walking off without due care when she said "Bye..." having no idea that bye didn't mean bye but bye soon you should wait for me to leave and disappear then u can go. Plus always getting into the lift without pressing the lift and allowing her to go in first... and when she's at her doorstep and says "Bye" you don't say "bye" and leave without making sure she steps into the door and closes it shut and u know that she's safe and then u can really say Bye.

Feel like I'm just such an idiot when it comes to love. And recently I apologized to her for saying so many things. But I still haven't came around to really being all that sensitive towards what she'd be thinking and anticipate what she's going to say next.... but yet at times I do know what she's thinking but I'm just not sure whether its the right time to tell her what I think and what I feel.

I think right now I'm just filled with a whole tonne of emotions going through my entire body that I can't even think straight. I just feel this sudden sense of insecurity and sadness filling my chest. Like as if something really bad is going to happen and I'm going to be extremely saddened by the event. I really wonder if I'm becoming paranoid and confused.

I don't understand how come Selene isn't bothered abt Lex liking her and yet she doesn't mind spending time with him. I felt very bothered meeting Zoe as she just came really naturally and we seemed to get along so well that it just made me feel rather uneasy that she might have fallen for me... and that I might unknowingly fall for her also... and the situation itself just creeps me out completely and I just wish tat I keep as much distance from myself from her as much as possible.

Its just different between me and Lee compared to Selene and Lex. I really wonder what is going to come about them? I guess they could end up just as gd friends as me and Lee are right now. Difference is that me and Lee just don't have that kind of chemistry, and we get a long well. And with Selene and Lex... they aren't the best of friends, but he seems to really like her so much and Selene doesn't seem to really mind spending time with him. I can't help but wonder why she still comes into contact with him, could it be my own fault for me giving the go ahead for her to meet him as and when he asks her out?

She definitely doesn't want to hurt him, but its still puzzling to me tat she hasn't told him that. Wouldn't tat be considered 2 timing? She's seeing me and yet continuing to see this particular guy who likes her and offers to chauffeur her to work....

Lord God... what should I do? I feel like she's not being sincere to me by continuing to see Lex. I'm starting to feel angry about it. I'm already angry about it right now.

Lord calm my anger... and I pray that u'll not let jealousy and and the devil take control of me... I am feeling pretty hurt. But Lord... after all that u've done humanity betrayed your heavenly Word and crucified u... yet you died to cleanse our sins and continued to love us in every way possible. Your Love O Jesus is what I seek... give me strength O Lord to let the love of God penetrate me and flow through me... that I may not let anger and hate consume me, but binding Love conquer all evil and wicked ways.

Lord let not my prejudice and worldly judgements cloud my visions and what I hear... but let me be sensitive to the Holy spirit and give me wisdom to differentiate between trust and lies. Let not the seed of evil planted in my heart spoil my soul, but may the Holy Spirit cast out devils who try to induce me to reproach Selene with jealousy and with selfish gibberish that fail to exalt and glorify Your Word O God.

Lord, let me forgive Selene if she has hurt me in any manner. Let me follow thy example who sacrificial love and consecration to relationships O Lord. Let me be forever loving towards her father, and I pray that peace will touch my heart and that the angels You sent destroy evil that tries to possess my soul.

Oh Lord Jesus... have mercy on me. Have mercy on us all... make us worthy to share eternal life, and that we may sing in your Glory in heaven forever and ever.

Its time for a change...

2005-08-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

Of character and habits.

I've been having this problem whereby I've been insensitive to how other people feel and sometimes just take things forgranted that other people are always accepting to the things that I say or do.

I really need to change my attitude and become more in tune to other people's emotions and thoughts, but yet not go overboard and thus being oversensitive.

Joshua gave me advice to listen more to my surroundings, and to think of others more than myself.

I was praying just now and God gave me the grace and wisdom, telling me that although its important to listen to my surroundings and think of others more than myself, it does not mean that I have to make myself feel inferior and insecure for I believe right now will make things really worse than before. Its more important to be humble and more important that after listening to the other person, say something that is relevant and something that's not only 100% from the heart, but also think of saying things in a manner that address the issue and keeping the connection. What matters isn't really what is being said, but how it is being said.

Always think of what the other person is thinking and think about how the other person's gonna interpret what you're about to say. Keep anticipating and keep alert.

I was recording my own conversation with myself with my new camera phone, and I discovered that I always leave my mouth open after I finish a sentence. Bad habit, and I ought to maintain eye contact with someone in a manner to establish some connection. Always look at the person in the eye and extend my feelers for any sort of body language. Think about what the person said and figure out how, why and what exactly he/she said before attempting a reply.

Also pronounce and exercise my facial muscles to pronounce certain words. Don't always go "Duh...................."

Keep in mind about other people's feelings and listen more to my surroundings. That's most important.

Do it every single time and practice it every single chance you get to interact with someone. Every single day. Be it at home or outside.

Make it a habit. Make it become YOU. BE SENSITIVE TO OTHERS.

Baby... let's make up

2005-08-07T10:18:00.000+08:00

Finally, after about a week... I never thought a week could last so hard and long.

I'd never gone through this sort of trial before. And I'm wondering, the things that I've done and the things that I've went through, whether it's worth or not... I believe that it will always be worth it if you keep a steady mind and a steady heart and stick to whatever you sought out to do in the beginning, and you know very well that whatever you did was right and no matter the outcome, what you choose to do is always right if you let God be the center of your life.

As such, it would be a really foolish mistake to have to destroy everything that you've tried to build by giving up when something just doesn't out the way it should, hence affecting your mood and draining the energy through negative emotions.

God knows that all this while, I've been trying to build a steady, strong, loving and lasting relationship with the person I chose to be with. This idea has never changed since I decided to be with Selene. And I really wish that things will work out and that we'll be of a sane disposition to assess and find solutions to problems that we have been facing for the past week, or perhaps the past month.

Whenever situations seem bleak with little or almost no hope of reviving, that's where our belief in our values, strengths and weaknesses fall short of God's power to make the impossible become possible. Because with God everything is possible no matter what happens. AMEN!!

I feel like I've grown so much since I've met Selene... PAUSE..... going to meet her downstairs for breakfast now.

BACK... after being out almost the entire day.

She was waiting for me downstairs near the lift, and was looking at a cat crap and covering up it's own dung. She was smiling at it with approval, that the cat put in the effort to clean up.

She smiled at me, after such a long period of time. I really missed her smile, missed her grabbing my arm, missed her kisses, just about everything. She told me she had mcdonald's for late dinner last night, and I smiled and kissed her cheek, and she smiled back, looking a little unprepared.

During breakfast, we got into a rather conflicting discussion. Because I was looking at some pple playing basketball, and I was itching to shoot a few hoops, so I thought why not approach them and ask if I could take a few shots. She gave a very disapproving look, and told me why she doesn't feel that its right to do such things. That she won't go and do such things because its bothering other people, and that I will be disturbing them and disrupting their game when all they wanted to do was just to have a quiet game on their own without anyone coming around to disturb them. I thought otherwise, cos I found it to be of a trivial matter. It was just basketball, and its a universal language, the person who's playing has a common interest with me, and we know how it works when someone comes on the floor asking politely for a few shots.

She then talked about her principles in general, and kept pointing out that the world isn't filled with butterflies and flowers like I think it is. Basically she was someone who would never approach someone for favors and would as much as possible try to solve her problems by herself and will not be so thick skinned to ask someone to help her if there was any help she needed. As such, she would also try her best to help someone else. At the point of time I didn't think of it as much as magnaminous as it looks as its written, and I found it problematic in fact, that she would deprive herself the chance to get to know more people and to be someone important to others as opposed to just being a passive individual who only seemed to care about herself. It seems like she would rather someone not do her a favour for she finds it difficult and troublesome to return the favor as she'd need to remember the good deeds that the particular person has done for her.

I felt otherwise, although her approach seemed really independent and the whole world would probably be a better place if everyone took care of their own responsibilities instead of keep asking favours from other people. I think this world's already too filled with negativity and I'd like to be a source of positivity to other people and bring happiness to others, taking the initiative to step forward and offer my hand to those who might not seem to have problems but deep down inside they do. After all, God wants us to reach out to those people who aren't within our sights during the little moments that actually represent opportunities in our lives.

I guess the issue is about striking the right balance of both, and after listening to what she said, although I felt a little hurt, I believed that some of those things that she said were really correct. However there were things that I felt that were important were left out by her, and I guess its vice versa for me as well towards her.

When we decided to adjourn to the car, I told her about how I felt towards our relationship, that things have been a little rough, and I told her that I might have not realized that I've been insensitive towards her and I've been selfish because I only cared about what I thought was right, but didn't really give into the account what she was thinking, and just merely did the things that I thought was right without taking into the account that she might not need neither want all those things that I have to offer to her. But I really didn't know how to go about to providing the things that she needed because she never communicated them to me...

She then replied saying that there'd been a difference in expectations once we became a couple, and that there are things that are expected of friends and things that are expected of her boyfriend. She went on to elaborate how the mindset of her boyfriend would be like, and that he would have been able to anticipate and do those things that she needs and fulfill them accordingly. As she began speaking her mind, I could tell that she was speaking and processing her words at the same time. Basically she seemed like thinking verbally. We'd not been able to see things from each other's perspective because we live in such different worlds. She really managed to think just about everything about how some other person would feel by the actions that I chose to make, and she just foresaw in such great detail at how someone might be feeling were I to have said or done something to that particular person. Honestly, I felt that I'm really not like her who would think about so many things the other party is thinking about, but I'm more of someone who's more concerned about how to influence another person and how to make this person feel and become better than he was before.

But both of us aren't wrong at all with our approach towards life, its just that we feel that each of us is doing something that's not completely right, however there can never really be something that's totally right or totally wrong. Its just different.

She then further elaborated about why she reacted in such a nasty way as she would never be able to accept the kind of behaviour and actions that I chose to take. And I myself figured that it was probably just her reaction when it came to unfamiliar approaches to life. She made herself seem more than a man as compared to a woman with all those thoughts that run through her head, with all the experiences that she'd gone through.

Then she asked if I'd thought about all those things. I said I did consider all these things and that I've been thinking about the same things. I went on to tell her about how I felt about the issues that have been going on, and that I was going to be completely honest with her about how I felt about me knowing what I lack and trying to improve, how much I've grown since I've met her, and how pivotal it was for me to meet her and choose to be with her above other girls. Basically tried to put the point across to her that I am pretty aware of my surroundings. I also told her how being in city harvest church changed me and helped me to see things that I've not seen before.

I also told her frankly that in order for us to work, we have to want to make things work. Both of us never really wanted the relationship to end up such a way. However, if things don't end up the way it should be, a problem usually lies somewhere. I told her about my desire to want to get to know her more, but she just always keeps quiet and no matter what I try to say or do just can't seem to get her to open to me, and that in order for me to address her needs, I'd need to gather information by talking to her. And its just been really rough for me recently, and I told her that I was disappointed with the way things turned out. She also expressed to me that since we both started work, we didn't have that much time for each other as before. And that she felt stressed about making the relationship work, having work and studies clumped up together just made things worse. But its not like I don't face the same problem, its just that my work environment happens to be much better. But that's besides the point... the issue was that recently I just didn't sense any desire from her to make things work out well. She also admitted that she had been selfish and been very nasty to me, and she asked why after treating me so nastily I still love her. I told her that I really love everything about her, be it her strengths or weaknesses, be it the amount of hurt she caused me, I still love her because I just simply do and I simply chose to. I stretched out my arms and told her that I loved her that much, and it was as much as I could stretch out. But with the things that've been going, I really don't know why she was with me neither why she had to treat me this way despite loving her so much. She shared with me about her previous experience with Julian, that he spent the night at her place and left at 5am plus to meet his current gf and called off their relationship just like that.

She said that she doesn't want me to go through the same amount of hurt that she'd gone through, and that she held back her feelings for me for fear of hurting me in the future should something bad happen. But the thing is by not showing affection she has already hurt me nonetheless as I really craved to be sharing my life and experiences and everything with her.

The question now was more about the desire to be with me. I told her that the person that I am now can't fulfill all those expectations that she has towards her boyfriend, and I said, "its ok... I really don't have anything right now, I've no money, not spiritually strong by your definition, not the same mindset as you... i guess there's nothing really worthwhile about me to you..." I nearly broke down but I kept my composure, and continued to say... "If there's nothing that you like me about, its ok... I'll be fine, because I know that God will provide for me no matter whatever thing happens. And I've always believe that with God, all things are possible and nothing is impossible. That gave me the confidence to continue to love you and to give you everything that I can possibly give."

"But things won't work out if you don't even like me, just what do you like me for? I don't have anything to offer and I can't meet up to your expectations... I just love you for who you are that's all." And she replied, "I like you because your love for me is real, and its genuine" and she started to tear... and I told her its ok... she then apologized for being such a mean person to me for the past period of time, and asked me for forgiveness. Which I so easily told her, "I've forgiven you long ago." and I asked her, "so can you please forgive me too?" then she asked me, "for what?",

"for whatever happened on Friday... will you forgive me?"

she paused for awhile, and finally said "Yes", to which I said, "again?", and she replied "i forgive you." and we kissed and hugged each other, and she said "i'm sorry for being so nasty to you..."

Earlier on she also said that she herself wanted things to be simple yet things to be complicated, and I also told her the reason why I continued to go after her because of the amount of confidence I had in myself. Although I might not be the guy for her now, but I was confident that God's going to make me into that guy and become someone dependable and successful in the future. And that with God in the centre of my heart, He will make all impossible things possible.

When we made up, I asked her if we just kept things simple just for today and not think about anything else anymore, she smiled. I also asked her if she was happy, and she seemed to nod and that was good enough for me already.

Feels like a long day. But good day.

2005-08-03T23:04:00.000+08:00

Could hardly get out of bed this morning till I told myself to get my ass off the bed and get myself feeling fresh and ready to start another new day ahead. Told myself that this was going to be a better day, and I believe by the time I finish writing this entry its gonna be a fantastic day.

Managed to set off punctually and dropped the heart that I folded to the post so Singtel will donate $1 to charitable beneficiaries, and I also sent my Samsung phone warranty too. What's more this morning although I had to crap I was still punctual and even managed to get myself burger king's Enormous omelete egg sandwich which really tasted great and was really very filling too. When I was in the office I shared my hashbrowns with people around the office and saw Daniel at the corner, hesitated a bit cos think he was talking on the phone, and I thought if he ate he'd be munching and talking at the same time, but hey its the thought that counts so I went ahead and offered him which he politely declined gesturing that he'd already eaten. As I continued with my sandwich he patted on my back saying "So early ah Westin?" and I replied "today got training." And he set off for his appointments I guess.

Training started off with Jeanette and I had to role play a few slides to present to Jeanette, and I think I kind of did ok elaborating on the different stages of financial planning to address the needs of the particular client. She also taught us the importance of asking questions to the client to let them speak more so that we can pick out indicators so we can have a much clearer picture of what the client needs and what kind of product will suit them. I guess the key here is to prevent us from explaining to them something which is irrelevant to them and it will just take up unnecessary space in the client's head. There's always a need to ask why, what, how, where, when and which.

Henry didn't really role play much, and I guess I was fortunate to go through more slides to get an even better feel of what its like to create interest and provide relevant and concise information to the client. I found it a real challenge and also think of it as something pretty interesting.

During lunch time went out with Henry, Joyce and Yiting together with Ah Tham and Siewlian, and I purposely had lunch with tham and siewlian so yiting could perhaps get to know Henry and Joyce more. She really seemed like someone who wouldn't really go forward and take the first step to start a conversation. I had fruits for lunch for the very first time in my life today i think, and even shared a little with siewlian. Felt nice because she wasn't that quiet and seemed quite chirpy. ah Tham's a really really nice man and seemed to be able to understand what Siewlian was going through and it was a nice conversation we had during lunch.

Although it seemed to begin to rain, thank Jesus for letting us get back to the office without getting drenched. Training in the afternoon was with Jueshi, and the topic was on how to arouse the client's interest by using some simple concepts and leading questions to get them interested. Jueshi really shared with us some really cool stuff and questions on how to get someone who isn't really interested at first to become interested and enthusiastic just after mentioning a few questions and sentences. It just really seems so easy to these managers, yet its really such an art in which how to manage to someone's interest and most importantly get them to like you. As the training goes by it makes me feel very eager as to when I can begin a real life case where I'll be fully equipped with the product knowledge to help a person plan his finances on a long term basis.

I got really drained by the time Jueshi was finished with his coaching, and when it came to Angela I was barely able to open my eyes. She basically went through with us the products that are sold. Really can't recall that well now.

I'm continuing this entry since Wednesday where Selene finally took the initiative to tell me just what was going on in her mind for the last few days. Honestly I was really emotionally drained, but I kept telling myself to keep my chin up and be optimistic about things. Really much harder than doing the actual thing ladies and gentlemen, takes a real man to be able to really keep these emotions under control especially since I'm just emotional by nature. She told me that she wasn't angry with me anymore, its just that she didn't know how to react to me which was the reason for her not to talk or come into close contact with me. I thought, "ok, fair enough... at least she told me something rather than leave me hanging without any due care for how I was feeling."

She then proceeded to say that she's not been able to find time to settle down and straighten out her thoughts, and needed some time to evaluate the situation. I asked her, "What situation are u referring to and why do you need to evaluate it?" Then she explained the situation being since the beginning we got together, and the need to evaluate to see if we'd be happier together or should we go our seperate ways and to achieve our goals. I was really upset when she said that, cos I felt that the main problem was with her behavior and her lack of emotional control. She's been giving me such attitude problem looking expressions, hardly smiles, always looking away, hardly looking at me, hardly paying any attention to me... I mean, if you think ur frustrated, think again.

But I put aside my frustration and tried to look at things the right way. God's way. Love's way. And told her to take her time and that I missed her a lot, but it didn't seem to touch her heart. Her reply was, "Didn't you see/talk to me just now?" sigh...... felt hurt lor....

Finally asked her if she's going to Festival of Praise, which she replied, "I never said I wasn't going, besides think my sis is going." Is Selene really a nice girl? I wonder... Couldn't she have said things in a more polite manner for example, "I'd love to go together with you"

I just can't figure out why she chooses to say the things she says. I sometimes find it hard to think on a positive note when the replies always seem so unenthusiastic. I've tried to be an understanding and tolerating as I possibly can, although she says that she appreciates my good intentions, she just seems to be so self consuming... i.e. self centered.

Today after the service, her face was so black. Her body language was so poor, she was no longer poised, she was standing on one leg and being all fidgity and didn't say a word. All she was thinking was to get home asap. I was just really disappointed as she didn't seem to care about me when we got off the bus. She just walked quickly without saying, "I'm tired and hungry, would you mind if we walked a little faster?" And she just walked right out in front without waiting for me, and when we finally got to the MRT platform, the west train came and she just said "Bye bye." Inside my heart I was disappointed and I muttered "bye..." and I didn't even board the train and just sat down to wait for the next train. She then came over and asked why didn't I board the train, and I replied that I'm in no hurry to get home. Her train came and then she just said "byebye" again and left without saying a word.

I mean, fine so I walked out on her 4 times. But, how could I possibly stay with such a person who won't talk or smile or even show any interest in spending time with me. I think I'm just being played for a fool. I try very hard to get things to work out, but the other party is always moody and just wants to take advantage of the situation and at the end of things gives excuses that its unintentional and that she wanted things to end up better too.

After today, I'm finding it so hard to be with Selene. Everytime I try to work things out, she's always either in a bad mood or some other kind of mood. I'm really on the verge of giving up. I don't know whether she wants to be with me at all now. If someone loves you would she be so selfish and just leave you behind just to do what she wants?

Heart's just really very hurt after all that I've been through. Its not like I was unfaithful neither did I do anything wrong.

I'm just really frustrated with her at this moment. How can a loved one treat me this way? How in world when I've tried my best to keep her happy that love doesn't come back?

They say that when you love someone, you'd never should expect anything in return.

It's just really easier said than done. But I'm still trying my best to stick to my principles when it comes to love.

Better than nothing...

2005-08-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

The day started off good. Felt fresh coming out of bed and washing up. Told myself that this was going to be a great day ahead. And it really turned out not too bad at all.

Woke up early enough and although I needed to crap on my way to work, I still wasn't late and was still 5 mins earlier. Found out my boss' car's windscreen got smashed and the cash card was stolen. Luckily nothing happened to him. But despite that he didn't seem striken with any tinge of sadness and was smiling when I glanced over. Boy... he really has such a positive attitude. Its amazing.

So Dorcas, Henry and I began our first day of training with Bernard. The topic was on Looking for clients, and how to come across to our natural market and set a good first impression that will lead them to want to meet us. There'd been a script that I had memorized when anyone out there were to ask me why I chose Prudential instead of other insurance companies. So in future if anyone were to ask me, I'd reply "How long have you been studying? etc etc... during this period has anyone taught you how to manage your finances for the next half of your life?"

I fasted today properly for the first time and felt good about it in the end. Not just healthy but can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit more potently. This afternoon was a little disorganized cos there were some interviewees that arrived without us knowing their appointments. I remember this girl called Jin whom I found her figure quite stunning. Another lady surname Low was already quite pretty, and today Yiting whom I also find quite pretty started her training in HR today. Yiting was a candidate who was called by me, and I kind of felt proud to bring her in cos she really looked good and seemed like reasonably nice person to work with. However there was a real mix up about her coming for training and I forgot to tell Siew Lian that she'd been accepted as HR staff and was supposed to inform her that she'd be coming for training. There was supposedly another guy who was accepted also but was told to come for training next week instead. Sigh... I was a little flustered and worried during the course of events in the afternoon but it ended up fine and we continued our training with Jeanette.

Jeanette shared with us about the importance of the purpose of what we as financial advisers seek out to do for public. She shared with us a couple of stories as to how our work can impact a person's life in such a great deal if anything happened to him/her. And I just really felt truly honored and realized the kind of integrity and dignity that came along with helping other people cover their risks just in case anything happens in the future. Because no one can guarantee that you will be able to continue being the sole bread winner for your family. What if something happened to you? If you're not insured and covered, you put the close ones around you at risk of not being able to support you and themselves financially.

Jeanette shared with us a couple of stories in which she had experienced, and after that I really felt that everyone of us out there needs to get some plans and policies to cover ourselves just in case anything happens to us. But sometimes things like these are inevitable, so its really hard to predict what kind of plan God has done for us.

However, today's training was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow morning's gonna be role playing and I think its going to be really fun figuring out how the things we choose to say will impact our prospecting clients.

When training ended, we went for break and invited Yiting along. Dorcas and Joyce didn't seem to want to talk to her or get to know her, and I kind of felt that she might feel left out as she doesn't seem like someone who'd initiate a conversation. So I asked her a little more about herself, and ended up sharing with her work experiences and things about life that a normal NUS graduate would not have really thought about. And I managed to get her to listen closely about why I decided to go into this line and the reasons for not getting a "stable" job. After all that talk, I kind of felt good about myself that I've chosen to go into this line. Cos I managed to explain for the right reasons and perhaps even motivate someone to think about her life and what she'd wanna do in the future.

I got Selene a card and a badge exclaiming "Jesus Saves", and I wrote a note at the opposite side of the card as well. I think it should be a matter of time when we'll be able to sit down and talk again. I guess I've done what I needed to do for now, and I just need to be patient with her and let her decide how she's going to react. The nice thing today was that she bought sandwich and brought notes for me. Although she remained silent while I tried to converse with her on our way to the bus stop, I guess I've done what I can and not let my emotions get in the way. I still felt extremely emotional when I saw her today though, and I have to admit I had some trouble trying to suppress it, but I closed my eyes and prayed to God to calm my heart and to let my mind focus on Him. I'd say that things really turned out as good as they could have went just now. Really thank the Lord for the grace He's blessed upon me and Selene.

It was a good day. Tomorrow's gonna be even better. Look forward to each coming day now. Stay positive and stay sharp!

Trying to keep in check

2005-08-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

I just got rid of all my porn videos. I mean EVERYTHING. No more porn. Not going to abuse myself anymore, at least for as long as possible. Right now, I have to keep focused as to what I'm about to become after I complete my training at the Prudential Sales Academy.

I've never ever dreamt of stepping into this line of insurance. Who da hell would wanna do that? The moment you appear and introduce urself as an insurance agent, who would wanna be your close friend man?

What's wrong with being an insurance agent? Do they force all the people around them to buy their policies? Do they always bug you by calling you and telling you how good a particular product is? Do they always ask you questions about your financial status? Why can't they just leave you alone? Why must they keep psychoing you to spend more money when you haven't even enough to sustain for the moment?

I sure know that I'll never force anyone to buy any policy from me, neither will I keep calling others telling how good it is to have a policy, neither would I keep asking question about financial status, of course I'll leave you alone if that's how you define relationships, and about psychoing you to spend more money when u haven't enough... you can probably sue me for doing that if you didn't consent to listening what kind of knowledge I'd have in the future about finances.

Lots of 'em told me how rough its going to be the first few months. It'll be really tough just to get someone interested to listen about financial planning let alone get that person to buy a policy. I really wonder how I am going to do that.

I've been with Edwin Choo & Associates for almost a month now. And life's really been pretty interesting since I joined them last month. I remember meeting Jue Shi and he really seemed like such a trustworthy person and I just really felt extremely comfortable with him during my interview for the HR assistant position.

After going through many interviews, I realized that I just really enjoy being with people from all walks of life. And as each interview went by, I learnt more and more and gotten used to having being interviewed by many people. And I just got better and better at it. I remember my first few interviews were so shitty, and I really couldn't find the right words and to express them in the right manner. Now I could just about go through an interview without much problems in describing my strengths and weaknesses, and just share my previous experiences with other companies I've worked in without much of a problem.

I guess its high time I recorded down some of the events that happened which led me to this decision to become a financial adviser aka affectionally insurance agent and public enemy number 1. I guess I just don't really wanna be just like anyone else out there, where you'll always need to suck up to your bosses and play politics in order to get urself out of the bottom of the hierarchy.

My first day of training for the job was quite a surprise as Fyn, Jean, Tisha and I found out that this was more of a telemarketing job than something that required us to do paperwork. But surprisingly I took it in stride and told myself that I'm not going down without giving things a try and see how things work out in the end. Not to mention that Jueshi had already set my mind thinking about going into this line. After all I really enjoy communicating with others and I also discovered that I really won't be very happy doing a job that required me to stay deskbound throughout the entire day.

As each day went pass, I began to soak up the environment and found it to feel so natural to be there. Even though I was intimidated by the idea that this profession is just one of those lines that no real normal person will decide to take up, I really kind of managed to convince myself that this was one line that could maximize my potential and help me to learn lots of people skills. I did very well for an interview for a customer service position with UOB bank, and even got called up for 2nd interview. But i'd already made the decision to join them, so I declined the bank. The interview with UOB was cool, it was a group interview of 7 candidates, with one really pretty lady too. I remember there were 3 of us who did quite well compared to the rest.

I also went for another interview at Great Eastern Life for a customer service position, only to find out that the position was filled, and that they'd been looking for someone to do a temp job for data migration. I was freakin interviewed... by 4 people! And I didn't even flinch... I was really feeling so confident that morning that when I shared with them about myself, I found that I was really a prime candidate. Just really feels great to be myself. I felt like I was in control of the whole interview than the interviewers. I'll bet that's what it feels like to engage a group of people to listen to you speak.

They called after a couple of weeks and decided to poach me from Prudential to become their financial adviser instead. But I'd already established and settled down with Edwin's team, and the environment was just about the most positive and conducive working environment that I've ever been to. The mix of people in the company just seems really very balanced, and I really have to take my hat off to Edwin for having found such a good mix of managers and advisers around.

Today I really learnt something very good from Edwin. He told us during client builder that the way we look will determine our destiny. Someone who's just like an dead person who's unenthusiastic and unexcited, chances are that this particular person will never go far and will always tend to struggle in life. And he demonstrated in the most hilarious manner one could ever imagine and he just got all of us laughing our socks off. He just posed those characters so convincingly that we could identify with right away. And it was really so true.

Another important thing he shared with us was the need for us to be always positive minded and not have even a tinge of negativity in our minds. Even for relationships, he also gave advice to just do what is necessary and not do those things that are unnecessary that don't produce any results at all. For example just going to watch fireworks and sitting there "wah wah..." is just really no point. I guess what he means is in a relationship you should also be objective and focus on doing those things that are necessary to improve and strengthen the relationship than let ourselves into our emotions and do all sorts of useless things and waste time. I realize that Selene's negativity had also a significant influence on me when she usually keeps quiet not saying anything and just thinking of negative thoughts over and over and over again.

So no matter what happens I have and MUST STAY POSITIVE and think of my goals and targets that I want to achieve in the future. I have to say... the past couple of months I've learnt so much about life. However despite that, my relationship with Selene's been getting from not so good to worse. I really wonder right now if she's really worth my efforts, but I'm still going to try anyhow since we still have feelings for each other.

I just feel like a totally completely different person now compared to what I was during the weekened. I was really torn apart with my emotions and couldn't keep them in check. But right now, I think I'm feeling a lot better and feel charged up to chiong and keep moving forward enthusiastically. I think my next challenge will be to keep this positive mentality despite being with someone who's habitually thinking negatively. And I think the real challenge right now for me is probably to influence her to think positively too, without compromising supporting her and listening to her troubles at work. But I think I got to try to get her to see things my way than allowing myself to fear her and accept just about anything she says without backing it up with my own understanding.

I'm thinking the problem started off with me being too passive and too accepting towards her opinions so much so that I completely lose my own self in order to suit her. Which I guess was really something that both of us really didn't want anyway. I should have been more gutsy to express my opinions without compromising a listening ear to what she feels and thinks about a particular situation. But I guess the main problem with me was that I just really let my emotions control me really just too much. Probably the main reason why was that I've been single too long and been yearning for a partner for such a long time that when Selene came I just let all those feelings that were gushing inside of me spill out. Boy... now then I know what my mistake has been all this while. Too damn bloody emotional. Stupid idiot.

I guess in order to right the wrong now is for me to be more objective and less emotional about things. Of course not compromising my feelings by totally being cold towards her. I guess we both think differently so sometimes the things we say are definitely going to hit some triggers without us being aware of what we're doing to each other. I guess in order to solve the problem is for us to listen to each other and to really not let our emotions get in the way wherever its not necessary to.

Learnt a really big lesson... now i really wish that Selene's ok. And that we'd get back together again and really make things work really well from the start this time.

Thanks Jesus for all that you've given me. Now I just need that chance to talk to her.

Keep your emotions in control and always in check Westin. And stay positive always.

"This is the 4th time you've walked away from me, I just want to tell you that I'm not happy..."

2005-08-01T00:41:00.000+08:00

I called her several seconds later and said "You wanna know why I walked away?", she replied, "I don't want to know...", and I exclaimed, "because you're a real bitch."

"what did you say? Say it again?!"
"I said, cos you're a real bitch!"
"Say it again!"
"YOU'RE A REAL BITCH!"

click...

It had been a very stressful week for her... not so stressful for me. We've not had time to meet up and go out on a date, situation was tense. and getting more tense as each day passed.

Friday, she smsed me if I wanted free lunch she'll tabao for me, i replied "i don't mind, thanks dear." But before that she already told me that she'd forgotten to bring her glasses and didn't feel like going for class.

Later in the day, she smsed me saying that she'd drove to work and asked how to get from tan tock seng hospital to my office without getting into the ERP. I was having a meeting with Edwin (my director) and Dorcas whom he was trying to convince her to join the company earlier to be able to get a good start into this career. After reading selene's sms, I excused myself and called her, and told her I didn't really know how she's going to get here. She sounded really frustrated on the phone... cos she just kept quiet... i felt scared that I might've done something wrong, and proceeded to ask my colleagues if they knew where she could pick me up without getting into the ERP. Hoping that things will get better if I'd put in a little more effort so she could come and pick me up and perhaps ease her tension.

However, although I knew where she could pick me up, I still had no idea how to direct her from her office to where I'd be. So I told her nicely that its ok, she can just meet me in school. She sounded angry and disappointed over the phone and told me that I'll be late if I don't leave the office soon. I was wondering why she sounded so impatient as if she never understood that it'd be going to be very hard for me to reach school early nowadays.

Well... this was perhaps the first spark that might have caused the eruption... while I was going down I told Fiona how frustrated I was with her behaviour, and she immediately managed to calm down my nerves and made me relax a little. While I just left the building, Selene called and told me that she's on the way. So I byed to Fiona and told Selene where she could pick me. She really sounded like she just HAD to pick me up that evening to school, and although I felt a little puzzled I let my emotions overcome me and tried my best to call my dad/mum for directions for her about how to reach keppel road from the CTE.

I managed to approach a guy along a pavement on Keppel road and he told me that she ought to have exited at to outram park, and would've arrived at where I was. However when I called her she'd already left the expressway and was looking for the way to reach my area. She then told me to wait at Amara hotel at the bus stop just beside it. I ran quickly to the bus stop to make sure just in case she really found her way there.

When I reached there, I was feeling very touched by the effort that she'd put in to come all the way just to pick me up so that we could go to school together. So I called her and asked if she was hungry and wanted to eat anything, she replied that she's fine. But still I wanted to give something to her for putting such effort. Went to Old Chang Kee and bought a curry puff and a bottle of water in case she was feeling thirsty. After that went out and sat at the bus stop. After awhile I felt worried that she might have lost her way and called her to confirm if she was on the right track cos it was Friday and the traffic was supposedly heavy to navigate if u weren't familiar as to where to go.

Found out that she was lost, and she began to apologize and sob on the phone... I tried to calm her down and told her its really ok, I'll just meet her at school. But she still insisted for me to wait for her at Amara and that she'll eventually find her way. I didn't really know what to do, so I waited for another few mins before calling her again asking her where she was, and finally told her to stop trying and find a landmark like a shopping centre to stop and park her car and wait for me. She was at orchard so told her to park at takashimaya and I'll go over to meet up with her.

Couldn't hail any cab so I sprinted as fast as I could to tanjong pagar MRT and took the train to orchard. Legs almost cramped up and barely squeezed myself onto the train. Alighted and walked towards Taka fountain... decided to tease her a little to lighten up the mood... so I limped towards her, yeah... pretty childish huh... and suddenly walked normally and gave her a kiss, and whispered into her ears "thank you for trying." then she apologized in a very sulkish manner for making me miss my lessons.

However, seeing her sulkish and unappreciative expression made me feel even more tense and felt taken advantaged of... so I said "so what's wrong with you?", and she immediately stared back and exclaimed "What do u mean what's wrong with me?"

Temperature rise.

We then began to feel so tense, and I told her off that she only think about herself and never thought about what I was thinking, only to regret my words and trying to apologize fruitlessly moments later when she was just really disappointed and angry with me.

She just kept on walking and I trailed about a few metres behind hoping that she'd stop somewhere, when she did... I continued to apologize but it only just made her more and more angry, till the point where she just said "STOP GIVING IN TO ME", then I felt really hurt and just walked away.

I sat outside taka at a bench and smsed her "if you still care about us, I'm having my dinner (the lunch she tabao for me) outside taka"

at this point i was really shaken up and was overwhelmed by my emotions. So i called lee and talked to her for about 30 mins before selene smsed me back telling me to meet her at mcdonalds at basement 1. Had no idea tat taka had a mac so i went to wisma one instead. She called me saying she was standing right outside, but i didn't see her and didn't realize that she was at taka till she told me.

Walked all the way back only to find an ungrateful, bad attitude and pissed off look while offering me her green apples and cucumber that was meant for her lunch. Sad thing was at the emotional state I was in, I took her offer lightly and asked her nicely in my most gentle tone of voice if she'd mind going some place else where we could sit down and just have a talk. She then exclaimed "what's there to talk about? you want me to come up with a topic? I don't know what's there to talk about...." Then I continued to say gently "I know that we're both angry and heated up at this moment, and I was wondering if you'd mind if we'd pray together..." to which she retorted, "I'm not in that kind of mood..." etc... "... I'm not spiritually strong enough..." and then I went on saying "its not about being spiritually strong, but that we ought to seek God in order to solve this problem that we've been facing... I am asking you to pray because I've always believed that you can be spiritually stronger and that Christ lives in you and that I've always seen that in you.... I've never given up on you and I won't ever give up"

But she replied "you're loving the wrong person, are u saying that I'm spiritually weak? i'm the worst of the worst in the church, I'm not ready to be with a christian guy." And she just said these things in a manner which I thought was so "qian bian" and attitude problem. And thinking that my words didn't reach her because there was no eye contact, and pleaded with her to look at me, only to be rejected by hearing her say "just tell me what you want to say. anything u want to say just say." and I pleaded her over and over again... hoping to look into her eyes and tell her "I love you." and "I trust you, and I'm really sorry."

But she just stretched me past my limit by refusing to look at me and by the time she did, I was already feeling extremely hurt and I just told her "God loves you" and I walked away again. To which then the title of this blog falls into place followed by my calling her of names.

I called Lee at the aftermath, at that time I felt like it was totally over. Was feeling extremely unstable, so I took a cab down to alexander technopark where her office was... and proceeded to tell her the events that happened the past couple of hours.

She told me that its not over and that every single couple goes through fights. And that I probably didn't really say anything wrong besides calling her names, just that I chose the wrong time and place to say what I said to Selene. I was just at a total lost at what to do... and was feeling distraught and confused. I then proceeded to tell Derrick the jist of what happened the recent hours. Lee had to go back up to office to work, and while waiting I teared at the stupid things that I'd said and done.

Decided to go for drinks after that with Lee and Mike, hadn't seen Mike in ages and his hair and outfit looked so 70's. Was starving and ordering beef horfun and oyster eggs before going for drinks. Walked around boat quay looking for a gd place to settle, after finding one, Derrick called and asked me to tell him what happened exactly... the events that happened were just very blurred by that time even when I'd not touched a single drop of alcohol yet. But still manage to squeeze out the events and give a reasonably clear account as to what happened that evening from my side of the story. He'd tried to call selene but she'd not pick up the phone or replied any of his smses. I was wondering where she was after that... decided not to drink anymore and left the place with lee... as I was really worried about where she was, I smsed her "I'm sorry for calling you names. Where are you? Are you home?" to which no reply was given as anyone could've guessed.

Lee tried her very best to console me and to cheer me up. Just extremely grateful to what she'd done for me as a friend for the past couple of yrs we'd known each other. Sat at the pier for around 20 mins then left past 1 am in a mercedes cab.

Got home, showered, prayed for forgiveness... was tired... slept.

When I woke on Saturday, it was pretty early past 8am. Had an sms on my phone. Hoping that it was Selene's turned out to be Fiona asking whether anyone's gonna turn up for BOP at 2pm that afternoon. Was feeling horrible and really fucked up. Derrick called soon after I woke and updated me on the situation, and also proceeded to console me and calm my nerves, and also asked me to go for bible study and service later in which I rejected his invitation. I'd been feeling too remorseful to do anything than go buy the new Samsung D500C mobile phone I'd been eyeing on for months. Told him I'll not go on today (saturday) to church, and will let him know if i'm going tomorrow. Thanked him for extended out his hand to me despite his tight schedule. He really put in so much time and energy to serving the Lord... really appreciate all that he's done for me despite knowing me for such a short period of time.

Soon after our conversation, dad, mum and I left the house to IMM for breakfast. In which I decided to fast that day without food and pray to God asking for mercy, forgiveness and direction as to what to do with the situation. After their IMM breakfast, we then went to Westmall to buy the phone. Mum went to supermarket to buy groceries while dad and I went to the SingTel shop to get my new phone. At least while exploring the wide variety of phones and waiting to buy, I felt relaxed and managed to stop thinking about the incident. Almost bought the 730 instead of the D500, but stuck with it all the way anyway. Nice phone, but realized that when u switch on the MP3 player u couldn't sms or do anything else with the phone simultaneously... which was kind of a little spoiler and disappointment with the buy. But overall it was a real cool looking phone.

When I got home with it, I just fiddled with the thing for the entire afternoon. And I nearly forgotten that I was supposed to go to Xian Xiong's new house. Took a cab there, as I didn't want to give myself too much time to myself as I'd keep beating myself up had I took a long bus ride there.

His house was absolutely humongous, not big, not huge... but massive. It covered 21,000 square feet. Holy moly... I'd never stepped into such a place. It was just beyond my dreams that someone could have that kind of space all to himself in Singapore. There's even an observation deck at the rooftop where you can just look over Thomson road and skim the horizon. The garden was just huge, and everything was just so big and spacious everywhere. I mean, do you know anyone who took you on a tour in his house for 30 mins? *faint* it was cool. Kinda like when you watch MTV Cribs. Dinner wasn't too bad either. His mum had made pizza and a few other goodies... man. Xiong's poor brother had got into a bike accident and broke arm and thigh if I've not been mistaken. I say poor brother cos we all heard booming of fireworks and all of us ran up to the observation deck to try to catch the fireworks only to find the view blocked by some really tall trees. When we came down I saw his brother with his crutch walking to the living room, and realized we had left him all alone when all of us rushed up to the rooftop. I felt really bad that I ran off without thinking about him as he was sitting right in front of me during dinner... its not as if I've not seen fireworks before, and I should've stayed behind to accompany him.

Well, dinner was yet accompanied with a hearty desert of fruits, cakes, absolutely awesome mango sago with pulps of pomelo... and a real brain teaser on how money gets lost on paper. It probably killed so many brain cells that night that I'm not gonna elaborate further here.

Soon after I was feeling remorseful about the whole incident on Friday again, and being the thick skinned person I was I asked Xiong to drive me out to the main road so I didn't need to walk. Thanked him and took a cab back home. Watched jap anime till the wee hours...

It was really late, and I began to read Selene's multiply blog from which she left entries late last year before moving her blog to a blogspot.com site. After reading till a certain point... I really began to regret what I had done and said to her the previous day... so much so that I broke into tears and cried like I've never cried eversince primary school. But I let it all out that night, and went to bed. Dreamt that we'd patch up and things became ok again. Told Derrick before hand at around 10pm plus that I decided to make it for Sunday service the next day.

Today, I woke up real late... washed up, showered and set off to City Harvest church. Could tell Derrick was tired from everything that'd gone on for the past week, but he still put in the effort and tried his very best to give me moral support. The service was really good, and I'd wish that Selene had been around to experience it too. Preacher was from New Zealand, and he preached about Jephthah whom had been born of a prostitute and had been under the curse of being rejected by everyone and feeling the shame upon himself for being what he was. But God had already planned for him to break out from his curses and to lead people to salvation. There were 4 things that he did in order for him to break away from his curses. He established a relationship with God, he let go of his past, he worked hard to make use of his abilities and potential and he let God determine his purpose and carried out his purpose when the time was ripe. The message was that we too can break free of all our troubles and curses by doing those 4 things. After which we prayed and tears began to roll down my cheeks. Then the pastor asked for those who have experienced rejection, bad dreams, and bad thoughts to come forth to be prayed upon. I went forward and was prayed upon till I collapsed onto the floor weeping.

After the service, I told Derrick that I wished Selene had been around to see me weep, as it had been one of the things she prayed for; that someday the Lord will touch me and I will feel so touched that tears will flow from my eyes.

We then went to Mos burger at Jurong point... and chatted a little while waiting till 6.20 in which Derrick had to leave for his ministry meeting. He is really such a kind and caring person. I really hope that God will bless him with an equally wonderful wife in the future.

I had curry chicken and pineapple rice for dinner... didn't eat anything but drink plain water since I woke up... intended to fast but couldn't take it and had to eat something. After that took 157 home, but had no real mood to study for my M5 and M9 exams. Also felt really sleepy on the bus and decided to slept all the way and go to Mambo BTP to shoot a few racks.

Played like shit as expected, but it was free. Yanhao kinda made my day when he gave me a free drink on the house. Felt really very very lonely and decided to sms Fyn, Klys and Shihui. Thankfully they replied promptly and provided some emotional outlet for me. But didn't tell them exactly what happened between me and selene, just that it'd been a pretty rough patch.

Came home, showered... friends asked if I was fine... nick was "dear... if you ever see this, please forgive me." Thank all you guys out there for sticking it out with me... and Thanks Be to God for sending all these angels into my life making sure that I don't run any race alone.

Right now... I hope that I can get my emotions to calm down and control them. And I pray that everything will be fine in another few days... just really hope that things will work out with me and Selene.

Selene, if you happened to find out about this blog. I'm really sorry for saying and thinking and feeling all those negative thoughts relating to anything and everything about you... and that I'd been blinded by my own poor judgements and emotions.

I've already forgiven you the moment I realized that I should have, and I also plead your forgiveness to all the stupid and untimely things that I've done.

I still love you very very much. Please forgive me baby...

Yah... because its for kids...

2005-07-29T00:31:00.000+08:00

That was Selene's answer to the question, "hey westin, so you're quitting pool?". Felt really hurt again... but can't help it, it was probably meant to be a joke. Cues already sold. Can buy my new phone liao.

Dorcas decided to become an FA too, and another guy's gonna join in the academy with me as well. I don't know but... Selene's had a really rough week at the office, she's not eating, and getting so little rest and she seems to be really overworking herself too much. I really think she needs plenty of rest and perhaps get something for her to really cheer her up. I remembered that there was something that she wanted to buy that I thought I could get for her... but I really cannot remember what it was exactly that she needed. One was a new bible, and another was... sigh... I lost it again. OH..... I can get her a new organizer too.

I think I'll be going handphone shopping on Sat morning to upgrade to my new Samsung D500c... my dream phone. And I think I'll have lots of fun with this new gadget.

Treated Derrick (Chunfu) to the best Yakitori in town at Takashimaya foodcourt. Talked a whole lot... especially about Selene... and discovered that she's still very new in church, and that she's not been having a very suitable type of mindset towards living a christian life. However, I still feel that I have to be patient with her, and nevertheless try to show her the way to Christ Jesus, through constant prayer and intecession to God. And I also got to stop fearing of losing her, and giving into that fear... and I shouldn't worry too much about the future and just be natural and be myself.

Thanks be to God

2005-07-28T00:10:00.000+08:00

Today... Selene had quite a blessed day. Doc treated her to lunch at Fish and Co., Lex fetched her to sch, friends fetched her from outram park back home... couldn't ask more from God to bless her. But Jesus, thanks so much for answering my prayers... please do continue to bless her this way and keep her happy always.

Started the day with yet another troubled heart and mind, so I prayed to God almighty and lifted all my troubles to Him. Called Chunfu for a chat, and discovered that Isabel wants to meet Selene and me to perhaps talk about us. Asked how she reacted, he said "Ok lor..." well, main thing was that Isabel and Chunfu gave their blessings upon us... how nice is that? Gonna treat Chunfu to dinner tomorrow.

Day went ok... had BK for breakfast, healthy lunch and chicken rice for early dinner. Work was just slightly more productive. I pray that I'll pass all my finance exams the first round so I can get hold of the first EA.

Honestly I really didn't like the new girl Winnie, and the impression she gave was just so poor. She kept talking back to Bernard and was just so rude. Glad that she left right on the first day otherwise I'd have difficulty working with her.

Feel pretty sad to have to let go my Joss cue... its almost been like some source of life for the past couple of years. But yet... I guess the cues aren't gonna be used for a long while. By the time I do find time again, hopefully I'd get a new pred case, Schon play cue, pred BK and a bunjee jump cue.

But you know... I sold my entire set within a short space of just like 20 mins. Its almost as if God were behind me in deciding to sell the cues. It's just unreal to get a deal that quickly. But I'm really glad, cos I'm gonna get my dream phone soon.

Thank you Jesus for everything.

Now what have I done?

2005-07-26T00:18:00.000+08:00

I just asked Selene if she would read out today's daily devotion and perhaps pray with me to end the night on a good note in the presence of God almighty.

I was expecting her to be pleasantly surprised and perhaps to pray with me. I guess I chose a wrong time to do it again. And I guess perhaps she's too confused to why I suddenly popped up that kind of question. She just couldn't really accept the idea right away... and told me "next time"... and what's more... I guess I might have made the mistake of not letting her go to bed early after such a long day... I made another blunder again... and I feel discouraged honestly, and of course hurt.

Today she met this guy who happened to be her primary sch fren, I'm wondering whether it could have been an ex crush or some other ex something... Felt hurt too when she didn't tell me who she was meeting and where she was going... especially with a guy. But you know Lord Jesus, I give you thanks for taking my troubles away leaving peace and faith in your greatness.

Today's been a rollercoaster ride of emotions... Felt really sad when mum kept telling me to look for another job and take something "better" than becoming a financial advisor. Felt much better in the office with such a positive environment. Made a couple of new appointments for the week... Great Eastern Life tried to poach me into joining them to become a financial advisor. Rejected them... felt bad... yet felt wanted and needed. It was bitter sweet.

Well... I just wish things that happen just happen for a positive reason. Nowadays I wonder whether I can continue to have this kinda attitude in whatever I seek to do... Even choosing a time to worship God can be such a big issue...

Sometimes I just feel incredibly stupid when I talk to Selene... and I know I'm not like that...

She doesn't like to teach me.

2005-07-25T00:04:00.000+08:00

Recently I've just made the boldest decision to turn down an offer from UOB Bank and Microsoft to pursue a career that is disliked and disapproved by just about every close friend. None of them seem to be interested in going into a career that doesn't provide the kind of stable income per month, and all seem to be so disturbed by the idea of being approached by financial advisors.

As my girlfriend, Selene has been approached countlessly by financial advisors with regards to opening accounts for insurance plans and other policies over and over again. And from the current situation whereby mum just hopes that I change my mind, I still really want to go into this line.

As her boyfriend, I sometimes feel hurt when she doesn't like it when she has to give me advice and I keep having this thinking that she's thinking "why are you so immatured? shouldn't you have thought about all these things before deciding to go into this line?" But I guess she just doesn't really enjoy giving advice to me, whereas I feel its important for me to learn those things that I've not learnt in life whereas she has already started her own business and even lost 10 grand.

I just really feel that in the experience department I'm just lacking so much now... and I can't help feeling hurt. And I think I got to learn how to handle these situations better than before.

Thing is I believe that at this present moment, I love people more than I love money. It can work either for or against me. But Lord, I really want to help people and not to squander their money away just to make myself rich. I don't ever want to come to that stage where I really desperately need to close a sale, and have to resort to spoiling the mood of other people. However, I foresee that I'll definitely face that problem. But Lord Jesus I lift up my evil heart and ask you for mercy and forgiveness to be able to carry out my duties for this job.

I really pray to you Lord that you will give me wisdom to be successful within the limitations of your laws. I know that I have been blessed with the talent to be communicative and the ability to reach out to just about anyone and everyone whom I know. Lord, I really thank you for sending me opportunities like these over and over again to stretch myself to the limit and make full use of the talents that you have bestowed upon me. And that I made the choice to join this career because it will provide me the opportunity to learn and maximise my potential. Lord, I choose this career because you don't want me to just merely keep my talents and potential, for I will be left with nothing. I want to work hard and I want to be the best I can be with the gifts that you have bestowed upon me.

Lord Jesus, I sincerely pray that you will bless selene and me with plenty of wisdom, love, faith, hope and patience. That I will not take Selene's comments too personally and instead focus on using the knowledge she has pass to me for greater knowledge and understanding. Lord, I wish that you will speak to me as to the amount I should donate for the Arise and Build campaign to build you a new house in the marketplace, and I also pray that you send me a goal with regards to the target income i want to achieve within the year. I really pray that throughout the course of my stay in Prudential, I will quieten all the voices in my heart and be able to hear the Holy spirit speak to me as to how I can solve my problems.

I ask this in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit... Amen.

When will the angels arrive?

2005-07-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

Selene's not been wanting to talk about anything recently... I just couldn't really guess how she was feeling... whether she's having pms, feeling lost, confused, frustrated, tired, don't feel like talking, just want to listen only and respond to things that I say, which sometimes makes me upset when she starts nagging about the things that I should have done... I wonder... if she really just wants to nag at me, and perhaps give her an outlet for her to let go... yet she doesn't really want to have to take the trouble to care for others... I can't seem to find out how to make her feel better about life and just be happy. I just feel like whenever i call her, I can't seem to get her into a better mood. Now I'm starting to question myself if I can really make her a happy person. I seriously don't wanna feel discouraged, but at the rate things have been going for the past week, I wonder why things aren't as good as they can be.

Lord, you know... sometimes things just really get so rough ya know... But I lift all these troubles up to you, after all, it was probably your plan for me to face all these trials and obstacles. I pray to you to release me from doubt and any tinge of discouragement to face my future with an optimistic attitude. Never say die no matter how things seem bleak. When its time to take a step back, let me have that wisdom to think about that.

She's been on this diet which I felt at first would be good, but now come to think of it, she's so much better off just exercising and increasing her metabolism instead of taking some artificial alternative to losing weight. I rather she just remain her weight and just exercise regularly. But I don't know how am I going to convince her to change her attitude.

But I guess its more important how can I place myself in a better position to handle her... I can't be doing silly and selfish things. Gotta place her first...

Played tuba after 1 year, for Braddell Heights Orchestra accompanying Clare Yeo, an 8 yr old child prodigy pianist who got admitted to Juliard's... little monster talent, but quite a cute one at that. Felt a little... unreal... it was like a dream, a very short one. I wonder how much I'll get paid for that.... Full house gig man... I was stunned. It was nice.

I've not played pool for over 2 weeks, and I feel like I don't have a life. Even with Selene... I don't really feel like i'm living life to the fullest... I feel like I wanna stop talking to her completely for a week. Just find it quite hard to make her smile... did everything i could..... still nothing. I wonder what else I gotta do...

tired..... sian..... in love also sian..... life's full of shit.

State of calm.

2005-07-05T01:10:00.000+08:00

Its been quite awhile since I decided to pen down my thoughts. I wonder if anyone out there in the world reads this blog now... my feeling is "None". But if you are reading this, do leave a comment wherever part of the world u may be.

My relationship with Selene has been very rocky lately. And it was perhaps a wrong decision from the start to be with each other. But we both just couldn't help falling for each other, and over the few guys who were after her, she still chose me.

We've been arguing about many things, about not understanding each other, not listening to each other, not giving each other what we need. But we stay convicted in our faith towards Jesus Christ, we stay loving to each other, and we stay controlled and mature about our opinions... at least I believe that we both do so. We talked about our future, about our completely differing views on life, which was already evident from the beginning.

Yet, we've not decided to break up yet. Its still very early in the relationship, and although we encounter so many problems, we could still muster our effort to be loving and caring for each other. Although it feels like the fire has died down, it hasn't gone out completely. After all flames need to fight the wind occasionally.

I realize that I should have waited at least till I got myself a job and stabilized myself, rather than rushing head on into the relationship without considering the consequences that I will face. Well... I am experiencing the consequences now, but I guess I don't really regret for the decision that I've already made. After all, I still love Selene a whole lot, and I've learnt a reasonable amount of lessons during the short period that I've spent with her.

I realize that living life as a couple isn't always smooth going and when the going gets tough, it just gets tougher and tougher each time. Each time something happens like when I brush her off by not listening, or when she starts dictacting my life not on purpose... it keeps boiling down to the difference in our personalities and perspectives.

But differences aside, I've not been able to say the right things at the right timings as I've did previously with other friends. Perhaps reason has been because of me letting my emotions cloud my thinking and hence not allowing me to reason properly.

I pray to God that we can revive some of the lost passion for each other... that we might be able to be happy with each other again like the way we started off our relationship.

For better or for worse...

2005-07-04T09:37:00.000+08:00

Dear Baby,
Whatever has happened for the past month plus... hasn't been the smoothest of periods. I've been indecisive in spite of what I seek to accomplish because it just seems so hard. But I never did think of giving up... just felt discouraged that's all... not by you but my the situations that I face each day. I wish I stood up to everything instead of whining and complaining about how hard life is and saying how difficult it is everytime.
You say that I contradict my words again and again... I do contradict myself at times, not only because I am indecisive, but because of my nature and character.
What is my character? What is my nature? For the past month and 1 week, you've been trying your best to see the good side of me... however I keep telling you my bad side and pushing you to believe that I'm not good enough for you. At least that's what I believe that I've done wrong...
I've not managed to invoke your interest and stimulate your mind.
You're feeling less happy... and we've been encountering problems early being together.
When you decided to accept me, you anticipated that these problems might arise, but I assured you that as long as we let God guide our hearts... we will be able to make it through.
However our mindsets about God were different from the start. Our mindsets about our spiritual life were different from the start. We were such different people yet we ended up being together. I wonder what God has in plan for both of us. He put us together for a reason.
But some of these were the things that you already told me many many times...
The situation seems to be worsening and our chemistry is not picking up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've screwed up again... I almost wanted to send this email to Selene. All she wants is for me to improve, all she wants is for me to change and be a better person. Everything that's been happening has always been a cause of my immaturity. I made mistake after mistake.

And all we wanted to do is to show our love and to love each other.

So I decided to write another one....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Baby,
I know you are probably either fuming with anger or stricken with disappointment, or ur just quite busy now... I just called ur office and ur handphone but you didn't pick up.
I'm sorry for accusing you for not putting in the effort to understand me... I realize that I was in the wrong... and I didn't focus on God and let my worldly emotions overcome me. I have no excuse for that.
Whatever you said was right, and you didn't do it on purpose. You just wanted me to improve but I just let the devil blind my senses and induce doubt... I know that you love me very very much... yet i still question if you are still interested in me... i'm sorry if I have hurt you, and for sinning against you by wrongful accusation.
I really love you a lot, and I was momentarily blinded by the devil. And I won't blame you if you were to be feeling angry and disappointed. I just wanted so much to protect you, nurture you, care for you, lead you and to be a real man for you... that I lost sight of the real purpose of being with you... that's simply to love you.
Ms Selene Ong Shimin, I ask u for forgiveness of my foolishness and insensitivity. I really still love you... I really do. And I ought to have known better than to have said such hurtful things.
I've not prayed to Jesus yet to seek forgiveness, but I will as soon as I click send.
My bible was open in front of me... and the wind blew the pages to Proverbs 8:5-10. I think God is speaking to me now.
Proverbs 8 : 5-10"Are you immature? Learn to be mature. Are you foolish? Learn to have sense. Listen to my excellent words all I tell you is right. What i say is the truth; lies are hareful to me. Everything I say is true; nothing is false or misleading. To the man with insight, it is all clear; to the well-informed, it is all plain. Choose my instruction instead of silver; choose knowledge rather than the finest gold."

Most sincerely,Westin

Sianness

2005-06-30T11:35:00.000+08:00

Let not my heart be ruled by anger and frustration but by peace and trust.

Finally some time to write...

2005-06-10T00:08:00.000+08:00

I miss being the old me... the new me ain't too bad... but I miss the old me a lot. I recall that I used to joke around quite a bit and always had stupid and silly things to say that made people laugh. Now... I just feel pretty tense with Selene... I can't relax or crack stupid jokes or say stupid things... cos it just feels very unacceptable to her. I really wonder if we are really meant to be together. I'm worried that this wouldn't last... it feels like this relationship's foundation is still very very weak... yet I'm trying very hard to make this work out.

I've been trying to change a lot of things especially my attitude towards life itself and it is starting to get on my nerves, but I realize that if I don't do this I am not going to get anywhere in life later on. Since I'm going to bear a lot more responsibilities than I've had before... I guess it might be a good time to look at myself over again to see if I'm gonna get kicked or have people praising me.

And I am really actually considering giving up Catholicism to join Protestantism... wow... I wonder if this is supposed to be a really big thing... I wonder if I'm going to join City Harvest Church for the sake of Selene... I tell you this is getting so.... unreal and the change just seems really dramatic. I wonder if things will get better between us if I converted... I don't know right now if we are really enjoying each other's company... its not been as nice as it should be... and it even feels awkward at times... I forgotten so many things about us... I really wonder if I really want to be with her and sometimes I have doubts in my mind.

I just hope things between me and her pick up real soon so that we can really have a good time together like we used to. I remember I was a lot more relaxed and collected but my emotions always seem to make things worse than it really is. Maybe I haven't gotten able to control my feelings yet... I needed to make so many changes in my attitude that I've lost my old self and I seem to be very confused on whether to find it back or just move on... I mean so many people love my old self, yet Selene doesn't like to see a slight bit of that relaxed and laid back attitude.

But I guess this is what's gonna seperate the men from the boys... I'm just gonna take it as it comes and get along with it in stride. God bless us both... and I hope that I might the answer to where God wants to put me in this world.

My first Letter to Jesus

2005-06-01T13:04:00.000+08:00

Jesus... I feel very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very stressed......

Jesus I'm very stressed by all the things that I have to do and are required of me. Everything just feels so difficult and I'm just at a total loss at what to do.... and.......... Lord I really need you and I really don't know what to do right now. I am trying so hard and yet I don't feel appreciate even by my girlfriend and I really don't what wrong have I done to deserve her questioning my faith towards you. Lord, I am so weak and feel the weight of the world upon my shoulders and I feel how you felt when you were persecuted by so many others when all you wanted to do is to do God's word. Lord it just hurts so so so so so so so sos os sos sosos sos sososososososososososososososososo mUCHCHCHCHCHC!!!!!!!!!

I really feel so frustrated and so helpless when Selene just got upset when I made a mistake. Then it just led her to bring my past mistakes that she's been keeping to herself... Lord I can't help but feel that she is bearing grudges against me... and I can't help but feel that she is against in all the the things that I believe in. Even though i know that this is not true.

I just feel so oppressed by her at times, and I don't understand why can I be open minded and be my true self with I'm with her. I just feel so childish and worthless when I'm with her and whenever i start to feel a little confident about myself she pushes my head down by reminding me to be humble in Your Name.... Father I do not understand why I feel this way the least because I know that I'm a much more mature than that. Why is it I feel that Protestants are always putting so much pressure on me when I meet them? Why can't they just shut UP and KEEP QUIET!!! All that they do is just make me feel worse of myself and better of themselves, thinking that everything that they are doing is right as long as it is for You! Why can't they understand that I am already faithful to your teachings and don't need anymore criticism that I'm not!!!!

LORD I AM ABSOLUTELY FURIOUS!!!!! I am off my head and I am so angry that Selene had to say all those things that question my faith towards you... I really cannot take it anymore and I am just really really so mad, frustrated and above all... ANGRY!!!

Father I am really trying so hard to please you and you must understand that I am but an ant in your sight... Father I'm at your complete mercy... I feel so badly hurt that this is happening to me. I pray to you almost every single day and when I was single I always made the effort to care for my friends and.................. Lord have you forsaken me??

Lord, I am not angry with you at all because I can never comprehend your wisdom by my pathetic mind. I am mad simply because I've always felt that I've been a faithful servant, and I let someone whom I have fallen deeply in love with question my faith and question whether I pray to you and whether I have a relationship with you. I am utterly disgusted by myself that I let the devil make me say that I have not been in close touch with you. Lord... I feel that I have been so unjustly judged by Selene and I don't know what I have done to deserve this.

Now it feels as if everything I do or say is superficial and I just don't feel like talking anymore. I just feel the urge to tell Selene off to stop judging my faith. How on earth have I let myself fall for such a person!!!

Father, I really had no outlet to express the hurt and anger and I am remorseful that you had to listen to all my angry thoughts and emotions. I am already happy serving you by being a Catholic and going to mass every Sunday, and I wish to lead others by example... but I feel so depressed when I try to improve because of something that Selene said that I'm not good in the first place. Lord why can't................

Please forgive me Lord.... i know not what I do.... Please forgive me Selene... I know not what I do.... You're the only one I'd ever want, I only wanna make it good, So if I love ya a little more than I should, Please forgive me I know not what I do...

Stir Fried Scallops/Pork with vegetables

2005-05-31T12:57:00.000+08:00

Serves 2
200 grams scallops
1 yellow/red pepper
1 packet baby corn
1 stalk of Chinese leek
2 chillis

seasoning - Salt, pepper, cornstarch, 1.5 tbsp Lee Kum Kee black pepper sauce, shaoxing wine, sugar, any oil

Season salt on scallops, powder scallops with cornstarch and pan fry scallops till half cooked and set it aside. Medium high/high flame.

Stir fry chopped baby corn for around 2-3 mins high flame, then add in chopped yellow/red pepper, fry for another 1-2mins, add in chopped leek. add a pinch of salt and pepper.

Add in the half cooked scallops, stir fry for 3-4mins. Add Lee kum kee black pepper sauce and sprinkle pepper generously, add chilli to make it more spicy. Sprinkle 1.5 teaspoon of sugar. Add a bit of water and simmer at high heat for about 4 mins.

Following the heart

2005-05-30T21:04:00.000+08:00

I screwed up again yesterday when I played pool till too late and ended up making Selene staying up till I got home... Told Josh about it and felt better after his advice. He reminded me to follow my heart and let it lead me whatever I was gonna do.

I woke up at 6.30am this morning, and I delivered breakfast to her at her office around 1 hour plus away from my home. I just wanted her to know how much she means to me and that I really want her to be happy, and that I'm sorry for screwing up.

I've been awfully forgetful... I think gotta start writing down stuff before I forget again.

Shimonah's auntie just suffered a stroke. 50-50 chance of vegetable if there's operation. And Chunfu called Selene to pray for them but she couldn't do it cos she lacked confidence in expressing herself in words. Told her that all that's needed is just the heart. She then told me abt Tricia's dad who also got stroke and is going through a slow recovery in the hospital. Tricia helped with Selene's relationship problems in the office with that married guy... but Tricia didn't tell Selene about her dad's stroke and Selene wished that she'd tell her since Tricia stood by her in the past... but she was having her exams so Tricia chose not to let her be distracted. Selene only found out when she got back to work after sociology paper.

She's going to fast tomorrow and we're going to have dinner on Wednesday at Chinatown for the cheap jap food. After which we'll prob need to find a place to sit down and talk.

She let me see some photos of Violet and her husband, also pics of her family and her ex colleagues from Unicity. Ricky liked her in the past and set up a website as a tribute to her... saw Ah wong and ah yong and da handsome lookin boss whom all 3 look like ahbeng but very nice people who just gone through a lot in life.

Emerge conference is from 10-12 june... she hasn't confirmed whether she'll be free on friday to go with me. Also saw her bro's girlfriend in the states. China girl alright. Apparently she makes her bro laugh.

She said that she gets tan very easily no matter the amount of sun screen. Also asked me if I was very good looking guy how would my approach be like. I think I didn't really answer correctly... i should have said even if i was very good looking I would look at what makes the inside of the girl first. Ok.... wrong answer.....

I need to write more things down and put in more effort to remember. Can't just take forgranted... it will show poorly on me.

The beginning of a new journey

2005-05-23T01:22:00.000+08:00

The most recent problem with me and Selene was when I felt lost and didn't know who to study with. Its either Selene or with Lynette and chris... and so I asked her if she preferred studying with me but I just had to say "if not I'm studying with Chris and Lynette" and it made her feel probably unimportant and I really hated so much to make such decisions. So I got frustrated and raised my voice just a little at her.... and she said "i am shocked that you raised your voice at me, i thought you said you never throw your temper and ur not such a person."

I apologized to her and felt extremely miserable for not having the wisdom to have handled the situation. I should have just handled it more tactfully.

Later on she said she didn't feel at peace about us being together... So i told her how much better a person she's made me now and that I've grown spiritually stronger through her actions. And why would God be angry with anyone who is showing love to each other.... after all He did tell us to 'love your neighbour as I have loved you. ' She then felt better...

There was also a slight problem last night when I think I said something insensitive that hurt her again. I really could not remember why... I'm just very very sleepy now but I'm trying to record down as much as i can remember. I only remember telling her that I am at the Mercy of the Lord... and that if God really didn't want us to be together... I just had to accept His will... oh yeah... i think its because I asked her for confirmation about being my girlfriend... and she really was confused as to whether to accept me or not... mainly reason being that I am Catholic and her being Protestant. There's still more but i can't recall now.

When I confessed my love for her on Friday 20 May 2005, she was also hesitant because she wanted to follow what God wants her to do instead of following her emotions. I recalled to her about how we developed our feelings for each other that it wasn't just because we met each other conveniently that we got together. And I finally held hands with her... and she just let herself fall into my arms.... I felt like I was at the top of the world..

Before that friday I had gone through a little depression and she'd been such a patient person and encouraged me to pick myself up and cheered me on..... tat was when I realized that she was really really wonderful...

A lot more to say but need to sleep.............urgghh............

Cause for alarm? Or cause for joy?

2005-05-10T14:46:00.000+08:00

Dear Westin,

I've extracted a few articles, which I would like to share with you. Sincerely hope that it will help you with your relationship with God in some way or another.

Remember: love God, coz He loves you! =)

Take your time to read. For your reading pleasure.

Best Regards,

Selene

Why Christians Doesn't Smoke?

It's no secret that smoking causes a health risk. Filling your lungs with cigarette smoke fills your lungs with hazardous chemicals. If those same chemicals were in your school or at your job, the place would be shut down. The incidence of cancer (particularly lung cancer), emphysema, and heart disease rises dramatically among smokers. Christian understand God wants them to care for their bodies. But that's not the most compelling reason Christian teens refuse to smoke.

Smoking stains your teeth a sickening shade of yellow. It gives you bad breath. It makes your clothing smell foul. What's the line about how kissing a smoker is like kissing an ashtray? Smoking makes a person as socially unacceptable as B.O. But that's not the most compelling reason Christian refuse to smoke.

Smoking robs you of the ability to taste food. It takes away your physical stamina. It ruins your singing and speaking voice. You are less of a person for smoking. But that's not the most compelling reason Christian teens refuse to smoke.

Smoking by people underage is illegal in every state. In some areas teenagers can be fined for buying or possessing cigarettes. Christian teensknow God demands that they obey laws. But that's not the most compelling reason Christian refuse to smoke.

People who smoke have allowed themselves to be manipulated. Cigarette companies have taken advantage of them. Their friends have taken advantage of them. The parents, often, have misled them. Teens will not want others to shape them into something they are not. But that's not the most compelling reason Christian refuse to smoke either.

The most compelling reason Christian have to refuse to smoke is Jesus. In Jesus we have forgiveness for all our sins. In Jesus we are guaranteed the God of the Universe is going to treat us as a dear father committed to our happiness forever. In Jesus we are surrounded by God's protection, guidance, and help.

Jesus gives us all this because he left his throne as the Son of God, became one of us, died in our place, and then rose from his grave. Jesus gives us all this because he suffered the punishment our sins deserve. Jesus gives us all this because he loves us more than we could ever measure.

The most compelling reason Christian have to refuse to smoke - or to refuse to do anything God says is wrong - is Jesus.

The Difference Between Boy and Man

Males are differentiated by their age group and the behavioural characteristics of their specific age group. Those in their child stage usually don't think when they act upon something. They will first feel about something, act upon it, then think about the matter. A good example is a child spotting a toy that he likes in a toy store. He will have a desire for the toy (feel), make a big fuss inthe store to get his parents to buy it for him(act) and then get chastened by his parents for his behaviour and thinkabout what he has done(think).Onthe other hand, a youth actsfirst, then have a strong feeling about what he has done and then think over what he has done right/wrong. An example is a group of teens getting involved in gangs to feel macho (act),then have a strong sense of guilt when they accidentally killed someone in a gang fight (feel), and spend many years in the prison to think regret their actions(think). However, a real man is not like a child or a youth. A real man always thinks before he acts, so that he will have a positive feeling of the outcome of his actions.

Men who act like a child instead of an adult is proven by those who buy things they don't need with money they don't have to impress people they don't like. You are only young once but you can be mature for a lifetime. You can be either one of God's 1000 of disappointments or you can be one of His few successes. The choice is not God's but yours. You simply have to be obedient to the next thingGod tells you to do. In fact, the will of God is so simple that people stumble from it. If God shows you the future you will not be obedient to Him because you will be scared of not being able to accomplish it. That's why you have to mature and grow to the place of responsibility so that God can entrust great things into your life.

You are never too young or old for God to move in your life. Daniel was only 14 when he made the choice to refuse to eat the bread offered to idols from the king of Babylon. Joseph was 17 when he had a dream thatled him to impact the nation of Egypt. David was 15 and 18 respectively when he killed a bear and a lion and later slayed the giant Goliath. The skill of using the sling which was used to slay Goliath was not learned when he was the King of Israel but when he was still a shepherd boy tending his father's sheep. David's honing of the skill with the sling which he used to protect his sheep became themeans of changing his destiny. What you do at 13, 14, 15 will become what you will reap at 25, 26, 27.You are never too young to learn to be a man. If you are going to wait till when you are married to practise to be a man then it will be too late. One of the things about being God's successes is that no one can make it happen and hand it toyou, but you got to make it happenfor yourself based on the decisions that you make. So start thinking for a start how to become a mature man of God and start developing your character that will bring you to the destiny that God has in store for you. Remember, your talents cannot take you where your character cannot sustain you.

How do I avoid slipping into my old lifestyle habits?

When we repent of our sins and by faith receive Jesus Christ as our Savior and Lord, we receive Christ's righteousness (Romans 3:22-24). God now sees Christ's righteousness in us rather than our sinfulness. Our sins are forgiven, and we are made right with God (John 1:12). Now God calls us to love and honor Him as Lord of our daily lives. To do this, we must surrender every area of our lives to His control, allowing God to make us more like His Son (Galatians 2:20).

After receiving Christ, there is a real danger of slipping back into old sinful ways. The solution is to commit each day to the Lord and share our problems with Him. We must give Him authority over our lives, confess any known sin to Him, and receive His forgiveness as promised in 1 John 1:9. Our victory has already been won for us by Christ's death and resurrection; see 1 Corinthians 15:57-58. It is now our responsibility, with the help of the Holy Spirit, to live in that victory by practicing biblical standards of behavior as noted in Ephesians 4:22-32.

It is tremendously important that we daily meditate on the Word of God, obey His instructions, continue regularly in prayer, and fellowship with other believers in a Gospel-preaching church. As we do this, we will become mature Christians, established and strengthened in Christ; see Romans 5:1.
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Oh well....... Cause for joy. I guess she cares about me.

Da Clutch.

2005-05-08T19:43:00.000+08:00

My head's boggling a bit from the reality that my exams start almost tomorrow and I've done such little preparation for it and it can be very nerve racking. I wonder if I will pass my first year given the amount of slack that's been incorporated for the year. I can hope that people who read my blog regularly... use their brains... especially those in the same school as me.

To start off... I think I'm not really in control with my emotions and feelings today. Yeah its about women and I have an urge to tell her my motive for being close to her. But right now... I think I got to ask myself the fundamental questions again. Why am I spending this much time with her for the past month.

My basic intention was just to get a study partner, and it might probably be nice if it was an attractive lady. Hopefully we get to know each other a little more and maybe let some sparks fly, but not at the expense of studies. (At this moment I am continuing after dozing off for 2 hours due to extreme fatigue and a heavy dinner.)

Anyway, I think I probably got what I wished for, and we've been studying together for quite awhile, and we also shared so many things about ourselves and seem to be letting each other know what kind of people we are. And I think I probably never asked myself enough questions about myself and what I want in life.

Why am I spending so much time with her? Does it look like she can be a potential soulmate? Yeah probably but I guess that's one pretty long term goal. I guess the reason we've been seeing each other so much is probably because we don't mind since its for our studies. But seriously, sometimes we distract each other and end up talking endlessly. Half of the time we just talk and I wonder if we did enough revision! *faint*

Perhaps I ought to recall the events that happened in order to try and make sense of it all. I realized that each time I met her I ought to have reflected our conversations at the end of the day to try to make something out of our conversations.

I remember the first time we met to study was at millenia walk, and we were both reading notes on bureaucracy. I remember cracking light hearted jokes with her and she seemed to start to enjoy my presence during that time. I didn't feel much back then, but I felt nice to have spent time with a nice girl like her. We were just in the middle of a great conversation when my bus came and I had to leave. But I remembered that she looked out for me when I got onto the bus.

From then on, we just kept meeting up time after time. After a week or so, after our study session on a Friday, Tim had to leave to meet someone in the east at around 10 plus. The 3 of us were together, and I asked openly "Are we going home?". So I just asked her if she felt like going anywhere but home. She said coyly "Where do you want to go?". And then we went to Grand Plaza Royale Hotel, had a drink and talked all night till 1 plus in the morning. She shared with me many things about her past and even told me about her family. She had around 5 boyfriends, and told me about her relationship experiences, and she was very active in St John's Ambulance Brigade. There were some points during our conversation that I just couldn't think straight and could not think of anything witty to say. I guess I was a little taken aback by whatever she told me and probably read too deep into whatever she was saying.

And I don't know but... I've really been reading too deep into whatever she's been saying for the past few weeks. And I don't know what to do about it or why I do it. But I guess I am trying to read too much because I'm just subconsciously trying to find some indicator of whether she likes me or not. Then again, I am also probably afraid of offending her by not reading her deeply enough. And she said to me a few times, "don't read too much into what I say."

I guess I shouldn't be afraid of offending her, i can't possibly do the opposite and purposely go and offend her. I guess she just wants me to be honest and frank with my feelings in order that she can understand the real me more. You know... I can't help but feel that she has some feelings for me, and this just makes me feel the urge to tell her that I'm probably falling in love with her.

But I am holding back because I don't want to end up like other guys who say silly things and end up looking desperate. I feel for them you know... cos I know every guy out there who sees a girl that they like, would really want to spend time with them. But that shouldn't be the reason to tell a girl that she is pretty and so fantastic that they want to be with them. I don't know exactly why but... I just know that this never works for women. They never really want to be flattered, they just want to know if the guy can see their good and bad points. Most importantly understand how they feel.

Honestly speaking, I think I'm still quite far from understanding what kind of person Selene is despite spending the amount of time with her. I can't really figure out what she is thinking or why she thinks the way she does... but so far I know that she's such a loving family member and that she really loves her parents and siblings so much that she will sacrifice anything to keep them happy. So far all that I've really done is compare myself with her attributes, sometimes even wondering who's better at what and who's not so good at what.

But I think that this approach is starting to get me nowhere... I am starting to discover some loss for words at what to talk about when I'm with her... and we just end up thinking of past events that were funny and share them with each other to loosen up the tension. Sooner or later we will run out of past events to talk about and end up speechless. I'm just worried about that and I really think I have to do something about this in order to make things get better after the exams.

Selene has quite a good memory and remembers the things that people said to her. Some of the things I said didn't go through my thoughts whereas some did... well... I guess she knows by now that I'm not a perfect guy and that there will be times where I just won't know what to say when she poses a question. But then I ought to think about it and share my views and learn from her too.

However I think spiritually, I've managed to touch her with Jesus Christ who's always been my guidance and I think despite my faults I know what as a Christian I ought to be doing and not ought to be doing. I guess this is something she recognizes that is real about me. Aside from that, I think by know she would have known my strengths and weaknesses by now... most probably some of which I never really realized.

But if she were to ask me what her strengths and weaknesses are... hmm... she's not the most sociable kind of persons but can be sociable, she's sweet in the way she cares about her family, she knows that she's not a good christian and admits her faults and shortcomings, and I think she tries to improve herself under the spiritual department. She has a temper, not that short neither that tolerant of others, and she's not afraid to show her frustration and anger. I'm not really sure why yet but I guess I have to find out. She isn't very optimistic and usually thinks on a rather negative aspect of things, but she uses this pessimism to somehow give a reason for others to feel confident about themselves and encourage them. She finds her faults and uses them as a tool to help encourage others that they actually aren't that bad. But I think this has its setbacks and although it helps others, it might just hurt yourself in the end. She knows that no one is perfect and she is very down to earth and deep down she cares for the people who care for her. She finds it difficult to care for someone whom won't return the favor, so she needs constant love and affection in order to balance herself out. She has had many life changing and dramatic experiences, which shows that she is courageous and fearless when it comes to being with her loved ones. Also she likes to talk about the past more than the present, I wonder if that's because she is always thinking about her loved ones and constantly recalling the good times and the bad times comparing them with the current situation. And the thing she seems to enjoy most is to help others and let others know that she is trying her best to be a better person. Right now she seems to be looking for a guy who puts God in the centre of his life, who lets Christ decide and guide him wherever he is going. And she needs someone who can take care of her and give her advice when she is lost... she doesn't need someone to tell her that she is good enough, but someone who can tell her how she can be even better.

I think for now I am only able to help her improve her Christian life by praying more for His divine mercy and love. And to help her keep God in the centre of her life. As for life experiences and family problems, I feel that I am still lacking in that knowledge in order to give her more practical solutions. I guess the me right now isn't really good enough to win her heart fully. I think she likes me for my relationship with God only. And I think if I brushed up on my qualities like figuring out my goals, having some direction in my career, being more resourceful and mature, I think I might have a good chance at winning her heart.

I guess its more important for me to improve myself if I really want to be with her. Otherwise I think I will just make the relationship very draggy and lack substance. And I can tell that she really wants me to improve myself and become a better person. But she also knows that only I can make this decision... and that she can only help me in some ways and not all.

So I guess if I were to ask her to be my girlfriend during this period, I think from my analysis, I might be able to get attached to her... but we'll most probably break up because of my immaturity and lack of ability to care for her.

I think I have to keep these feelings in check, and this might be a good time to focus more on my exams, my job hunting and my knowledge base. Why do I want to do this? I guess if I really want to be with someone like Selene, I would need to achieve some of my goals first. So... if there will be times where I can't be with her because I need the time to improve myself, it should be the right thing to do. But I think Selene also likes to see me work on improving myself... so I think when I'm with her I have to be more focused on my goals.

I guess if there comes a time where I need to be with myself, and it confuses Selene, I just have to say, "If I want to be with a girl like you, I need to improve myself and become even better."

Its been 1 year...

2005-04-24T22:56:00.000+08:00

Dad finally reprimanded me. Its been 1 year since I've came out of the army, and I am still without any goals, without a job, but within 2 weeks of my first year exam in a university. I am struggling with the basics of life in modern society. I have hardly any savings. I have nothing of value but knowing of the Lord.

I am 24 years and 11 months old. For the past 2 weeks I put in more effort to get a job, but I have not seemed to attract any interviews. I have only went through less than 5 formal interviews in 365 days. What have I been doing? Slacking, playing pool, playing xbox, sleeping, talking about nonsense.

Since my days in primary school, this is probably a pretty low point. All my friends have been trying to encourage me and be patient with me. But what I really needed was someone to push me and scald me. I'm glad that Dad reprimanded me. And I'm even more glad to have met Selene who not only challenged me, but moved me with her simplicity and honesty.

Just words about what I'm gonna do aren't going to count anymore. I have to start somewhere... I must work hard or I'll never get anywhere.

Selene just told me how inferior she sometimes feels when I speak to her in English. I was very shocked to hear that. But then again... for someone who doesn't speak it that often, I guess she'd be fumbling with words to express how she feels. Ok my English is powerful... too powerful in fact. (Duh!)

At this point of time I'm completing this entry I when I stopped a few days ago...

I've been spending a lot of time studying with Selene. And on a couple of occasions I think we ended up studying each other. She shared quite a lot of things about her life, and I guess I did the same too... we talked a lot. We shared quite a few key experiences we went through, and she always seemed to enjoy the time we spend together. It was nice. Are we dating? Not officially that's for sure. But it's been quite nice.

She's been sending me job ad after job ad after job ad... my email's almost flooded with job ads. Somehow I feel like changing myself after meeting her and spending time with her. I wonder if I am doing it for my own sake, or was it because she was influencing me. Perhaps both.

We found ourselves at fullerton on Fri. night... and I was just so tired. But she seemed glad to be where she was, and we talked all night past 1 am. Again... it was nice.

I finally managed to take some of my own pool videos and photos. Didn't turn out too bad. Looking forward to do it again.

After meeting Selene... I didn't think I want a custom cue anymore. I wanted a job. This... is nice.

Future Love Paradise

2005-04-20T01:12:00.000+08:00

I have decided to get a custom cue. I really have no idea how or why I am so interested in this game. I am going to spend more than 1000 bucks on a few sticks of wood.

I've emailed Arnot (Daylight Robbery), Sanko cues (also D.R.), Jeff Olney (never replied), Zac cues, Schuler, John Madden, Mark Smith, Andy Gilbert, and I got it down to either John Madden and Andy Gilbert. Qbilder from EPT was the one who recommended Madden, and I was surfin around and seemed like Andy Gilbert's cues seemed in pretty good demand as well.

So far Andy Gilbert's quoted me the best price, Madden seemed really helpful but his quote was way above Gilbert's price. Told him that if he couldn't match Gilbert's price I'll be getting Gilbert to make it instead.

I have a tough dilemma on the inlay material. Ivory or Mother of Pearl? Ivory would just be so cool, but its really so much more expensive.

During this busy study period, I've been spending a little more time with Selene. And I think I might be getting attracted this nice lady... cos I've been thinking about her more than usual. I just got a pretty good feeling about this. (pray pray pray.....)

I've had some progress on Maths and Stats, whereas not so much for the qualitative subjects. Hope that I don't spend to much time figuring out maths and stats. Utterly lots of stuff for ibm, soci and icl.... but maths and stats'll be the first papers up. Gotta take the bull by the horns this time.

Hope that madden gets back to me soon... if not, I'm gonna get an Andy Gilbert. Just hope that when the cue is ready I'll have enough money to pay.

When you turn around to look...

2005-04-01T02:17:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine just broke up with his steady girlfriend whom he shared his life for just over 2 years... He looked back, and looking at him doing it, I thought that I'd probably do the same.

From the time I turned 18, till now turning 25... I think about how I used to behave, feel, express, and how the people I met in the past few years behaved and acted... I look back now, bits and pieces of fragmented puzzles that had been put together, now scattered in the various braincells. I'm going to look at the things I kept from the past now...

I just went through my bag of past moments... and I realized that I've totally forgotten what stuff I actually kept till all this while. The most recent items were from Sabrina... and... it made me laugh at the things she wrote with the gifts she gave me... at that point of time, both of us seemed to be really in "love". Among the few things from Sab, were a few photographs taken 6-8 years ago... pictures of Wendy, Mervyn, Michelle, Candy and one more gal I can't remember her name who was Michelle's and Candy's good fren... Mervyn and I looked absolutely terrible in them... I mean... what a transformation!

As I dig further, I discovered photos of Mizuka... and looking at the photos... gosh it'd been such a long time ago. I wonder if she still looks as beautiful 7 years later... her eyes were deep, and she was coy, demure, very sweet, very charming... at one point of time I wanted to marry her, but I obviously couldn't at the age of 19... honestly 6 years later this hasn't changed, but how can I marry someone who's in Japan and probably already married? Such a silly funny thing isn't it...

When you turn around to look... sometimes you figure out what really made you happy, and it set me straight... how nice it was to fall in love, and to be in love. Loneliness creeping up on me? Not really, just a little deja vu that's all...

I'm thinking of saving up for a Schon cue. Its around $1000 bucks. I'd like to get past the first round of the EPT tour for once... my game's been rusty but its getting polished the past few days. Another month and exam time's up. Its focus time.

How about a little privacy?

2005-03-25T12:09:00.000+08:00

It was really nice at Microsoft, one of those great times. Well, a friend also told me "everything comes and goes, good or bad." My response was "well, you seem pretty down." but it was more sensible to say something else so I replied his sms in a more tactful manner.

I might not get to work there again... but who knows, what so called fate has in store eh. The year has been passing by reasonably smoothly, a lot of issues are beginning to seem easier to solve, and you know, you find life pretty peaceful when you expect the unexpected. Don't really get heart attacks so often, and just... settle down man.

There's this girl (i feel that she's gorgeous) in one of my lectures, I mentioned her while oogling with one of my bros in school, and during the lecture break, what dya know, my fren Melvin was talking to her, and Stanley who sat beside me said teasingly, "hey your fren rite? go up and "acquaint" lah... I'm sure you can do it man." And my response was "There's a time and place for everything." hahaha...

But I mean that's really true, when it ain't your call, it ain't. There're still 2 more years I get to see her and another 10,000 girls out there. Come to think of it, I'm getting that thing that I feel just before I get attached. Sense of calmness and steadiness... and it feels more refined now than before I got together with Sabrina where there was a lot more uncertainty and "excitement".

Life has certainly became more private this first week after working at MS, and boy do I ever need it. Cycled to school, revised some work, oh yeah I came up with roast chicken and baked salmon (think a white fish will taste nicer though), and I played my Xbox till I was satisfied (well yeah i missed halo in the office though), and I got a really good amount of sleep and rest.

The only thing that's lacking is time for pool... arrghh... and my pay cheque's not in yet. But yeah, life's as smooth as it gets right now, any smoother I might just slip and fall yeah. Well, this sure holds true since I've scored just 20 marks for a mock paper, I should be working my ass off right? Yeah, I think I'll drop by the library after Good Friday mass in church later.

Finally, I have an entry that's all good and well.

Bush fires galor. (no not the US president... i mean bushes)

2005-02-27T15:19:00.000+08:00

Last week I found myself in church after another redundant study session, and as I settled myself down at the pews and gave thanks to God for everything that I possessed (friends, family, new job, angpaos, air-con, and His Love for us), I hadn't a clue that in about 10 minutes I'd hear a voice that I've not heard close to 6 years... My mind had begun to access the database and found a match within the first few words that left her lips. I looked up... she looked very mature, very wise, and she looked beautiful. She had answered God's call too... but she answered it in a manner that put me to shame, for despite being a Catholic since 10, I've not been able to answer the way she has done so. Long way back Paul and I prayed for her hoping that she would answer God's call. But seeing her last week merely reminded that during the time I had took God's love forgranted, she had been praying and worshipping Him with all her heart and soul.

Jesus and Mother Mary had transformed her into such a different person since Paul's guidance and love, and I've been a fool to be clouded by my pride believing that if not for my prayers she wouldn't be so close to Jesus... Seeing and hearing her at that moment, just reminded me of my foolishness and mistakes that I've made. It was unsettling... I couldn't concentrate on the homily as memories of blunders kept flashing through my mind. I came to a conclusion that I would never be worthy enough to be someone important to her after being the jerk I'd been in the past.

Throughout the mass I felt remorse and discomfort. I wasn't just a sinner, but one of the worst ones that could exist other than cheats and conmen. I hadn't gone for holy communion for years, which is such an important part of the life of a Catholic. The guilt was unbearable and the sins that I've committed for the past years fell upon my shoulders and I began to breathe deeply.

Father JJ seemed very exhausted during confession... it made me feel even more remorseful. But it was important to receive the sacrament... very timely for the season of Lent. The tired priest drew strength and told me the story of the long lost son who had ran away with his Father's inheritance and splurged it on drinks and women. When the son had nothing left and went back to the father, the father was overjoyed and welcomed him back with a feast to celebrate his return. As illogical as the story might sound, God's love is just like the father's love for his son, and I sincerely thank Father JJ for having brought me great joy to know that God has welcomed me back despite my stray for such an extended period. But I wonder if I have any courage to speak to that person I saw at the sanctuary during the mass.

It'd been a little rough during my first 2 weeks at work... I knew that the job wasn't going to be as easy as I thought it would, but the temperature outside had other ideas. Despite that, I told myself that I wasn't going to make mistakes again... I really wish it could be as easy to say "I've done my best and I'm still trying", but I realize that doing my best didn't seem to be good enough. There were moments during the week whenever I asked a question the reply always ended with multiple exclamation marks and if not, the most gentle and passive voice that's trying to suppress an eruption. But thank Jesus for answering my prayers everyday and for those times where He gave Lee and me more patience. I still managed to ask to get things right despite irritating a close friend. It was a little frustrating at times but I guess it beats having your home swept away by the sea...

The maths paper did little to intimidate me. I've always disliked maths and numbers. It was more of a refuse to study maths than laziness to do it. And I'm not gonna have an easy time with Accounting next year... thank goodness I'm not taking econs.

Another 2 weeks and the mocks will be done. Another 2 months and the actuals arrive. Life's very discouraging when you need to do the things you need to but never like to do. Praise the Lord.

Going with the flow... like a tsunami.

2005-02-17T23:38:00.000+08:00

Too eager and too impatient learning to swim = drowning.

Darn... If I don't start revising maths on Saturday I'm gonna get a big fat zero for Wed's mock paper. Shit... can't remember which paper falls next. - not related to the 1st sentence.

So K**** (already married with 2 kids) actually wants to introduce her 19 yr old sister to me. I quote "catholic, plays saxophone and waiting for A level results". Very generous information indeed...

Got some good people working in the office. Really cool to have free flow of chocolate milk too.

I'm just itching to play pool... Si beh buay tahan liao. Think I'll play tomorrow after work.

Now...... I need to get my mum's b'day present too. Jewelry? The book didn't really work, think she chucked it somewhere... I'm writing this late cos I need to get sh*t off my chest.

The past few weeks have been a little deja vuish. I remember when me and Wendy were real close, I always never could get rid of my occasional bad attitude. Recently I sense some dark cloud hovering on top of me. But I remember Suet hong telling me that not having a sister might have something to do with that attitude. Well... excuses aside... perhaps it'd be wiser not to preoccupy myself with useless attitude and be more objective with women's views. Especially the ones who can just look through me... guess I need to be more trusting towards them.

I'll probably look drained tomorrow again. Hope the reflections are worthwhile.

Deaf.

2005-02-16T21:27:00.000+08:00

Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen ..........listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen........ listen Listen listen Listen.... listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listenListen listen Listen.... listen

Listen listen Listen listen.... Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen... Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen..... listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen

Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen... listen Listen listen

Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen.... listen Listen listen Listen listen...... Listen listen Listen listen... Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen Listen listen

The 1st day...

2005-02-14T23:03:00.000+08:00

Ok... Recap the people whom I was introduced...

Ladies first, Mandy, Annie, Shernice, Denise... shit... can't remember the name of the first lady I met. give up... tom then find out...

Gentlemen, Jeremy, Albert, Desmond, Hanwei, Guan, Ken (IT), was there a Kenny?

Bosses... Vincent and Irene.

Learnt to do checklists, SAs, S6Es, MBA, Master, EE6, EE?? jialat... still got SDs and WOs.... err... then there's ITRs, LARs, LADs.... MSE, MSL, AGTFY05, Partners Member contact lists... errr.... packages... airway bill (keep hearing something else when Lee says it... =p )... there's also Reason and Subreason... WO numbers... the useful Ctrl hotkeys for the applications....

Oh yeah... there's like little india and japanese occupation too... lol...

Gas masks and spray cans

2005-02-13T22:03:00.000+08:00

I haven't been listening to Linkin Park for quite a long while... so I just popped the files on and boy... it still sounds great. Went through a rough patch when I first heard the Meteora album, had broken up with Sabrina, and life was all messed up. I think prob the first song I heard was "Easier to Run", the next thing I knew, I just got hit by the lyrics of every song. It was all so representative of the emotions and anger I felt at that time. Listening to that album felt like some kinda outlet for all those emotions. "Easier to Run", "From the Inside", "Numb"... I thank God I got to listen to those songs. Even went up to Kuala Lumpur to catch them in concert... it was an absolute blast.

Well, my lunar new year seemed ok. Usual visiting and red packet collections, this year didn't seem too bad... I still ate normally without too much excess. Other than the load of pizza at Lee's place with Wayne and Dom. Dom and I stayed up all night, the others crashed at around 11pm... and we talked about women and capitalist Singapore etc.... haven't really talked much about women for a very long time... as usual when you talk about the female species you never get down to any conclusion, which was very much what happened.

Next up, badminton with Ian's bunch of friends. They were nice... frenly and all... had been awhile since I worked up a sweat, we played 6.30pm till 9pm... I couldn't move my right pinkie after the game, as usual I overworked my muscles.

Recently met with my ex colleague for supper, have to say it wasn't one of the best conversations. Reminded me of Lydia... someone whom I totally given up on. But Lydia was just plain irresponsible and an emotional rollercoaster.

Sigh... its that time again when you enjoy singlehood but then Valentine's Day pops up in your face. You watch the news and another bunch of people break the world kissing record... even the 16 yr olds get a date... hahahaha... its interesting when you're eligible and wondering where your date is hiding. Just shows that you can make a person be a little more happy if you like him/her and go on a date. Gosh... speaking of which I've not dated for... lets see... break up was... maybe even 2 years. Oh wow... that sounds pretty long. I'm just talking to myself not you so buzz off if ur even thinking of givin me advice. I'm being patient with my girl ok.

Oh yeah, couples are suckers for V'day. Guys, don't be an idiot to buy flowers on V'day... get flowers when they're cheaper and surprise your girls once in awhile. And girls, be a little smarter to go on a picnic or cook something than let your darling spend their hard earned money paying extra to book a restaurant on V'day, that'll be so much more romantic and practical.

When dreams always falter...

2005-01-30T11:56:00.000+08:00

God damn it I lost 3 matches outta 4 again for no bloody reason. Missed all the game winning shots when I could have just taken the match. Why is it that I can play well yet I can't ever win any games nowadays? Screw it man! And I always end up consoling myself that at least I won against an ex champion or watever... but this shitty consistency thing always gets under my skin... whatever happened to the form that brought me to the semi-finals... just don't know wat the hell happened. Luckily I've learnt how to do deal with losing (^_^); (riiiite..........)

All my match statistics look like some company about to go bust in the stock market... but hey... I guess I have more important priorities than pool right now. At least the skill hasn't lost itself completely. Been trying to mug in a diligent manner, but its really so much harder when the number of distractions quadruple as compared to studying in sec sch. I keep letting my mind wander off to cycling, pool, bball, games, movies, friends, potential girlfrens, shaping up physically, job, career, money..... Arrgghhh!!!! Why da hell do I freakin care?!

Lee advised me to quieten the voices in my heart and head and just pray to God to ask what He really wants me to do on this planet... of which she also agreed "easier said than done". Observe the advantages of having friends nourished with spirit ladies and gentlemen, would materialism step aside please.

Harborfront's a great cycling destination btw, got Harry's bar, coffee express, and opposite's the food centre with excellent nasi bryani (got ripped off yesterday, shit). But still miss the strip of space at the coast. Heard that when Desiree(not real name) met some guy through frenster, she got so frightened of his CMI personality. Probably a reason for her reply "well, see if fellow Jean (not real name) is free also.. haven met her for sometime.." when I left her a msg inviting her to hang out sometime. Well as what they say... once bitten twice shy man. Was laughing my head off with Lee on tat one. ^_~

Since I've been cycling to sch with 2-3kg extra bag weight, when I rode to NTU yest (ended up pasir lebar camp) I felt a lot lighter and slopes weren't such a big factor anymore. one of those "expected outcomes but forgot abt it".

Recently read Kenny's blog http://www.kennyignatiusaugustine.blogspot.com/... lots of debating between him (catholic) and another christian. Quite informative but cmon man... we all worship the same God and unsuccessfully practice His teachings. Kenny and Mr Christian man, if you're reading this, perhaps it'd be more beneficial to appreciate the similarities rather than pick on the differences.

But I have to admit the unethical sense of entertainment value in that blog... the dudes are really true to their differing faiths. Seemed like a live sample of what caused the formation of Protestants.

Despite the loss of matches... bike's in good health, I'm in gd health, Mp3 player's working finally, not much worries except finances running low again. Selling my instroke to get a soft case for my cues (lighter and less bulky)... My air con is gone and waiting for the guy to come fix the new one this week (discovered a new space to put my bike in my room!). Ian told me how to make baked rice, gonna try that soon man. Need to ask Josh how to make potato salad...

Luna Sea Urchins

2005-01-30T04:04:00.000+08:00

Presenting my most precious possession, Variance (meaning variation because of the variety of parts combined to make this bike)

17" Da Bomb XLR 7005 grade aluminium frame

Shimano XT Rear Derailuers,
Shimano LX Front Derailuers,
Shimano Deore Sprockets,
Shimano LX crankset,
Shimano XT gear shifters,
Shimano 575 wheelset
Avid Mechanical CPS Disc brakes,
Avid Mag brake levers,
Continental Double Fighter tires,
Rockshox Judy XC 2000 suspension fork,
Easton EA70 MonkeyBar with Lizard grips,
lightweight Amoeba Vitae stem,
Serfas Dual Density saddle

I'm just left with the seatpost to upgrade... wonder which is light...

I think my bike weighs around 11kg now... not the lightest but it works.... great.

Check out da pics below and feel... da Variance...

2005-01-30T03:34:00.000+08:00

Witness the aura and presence of Variance...

2005-01-30T03:31:00.000+08:00

Respect the Variance. When you see the front, move aside if ya dun wanna bust your pretty face. grrrr...

2005-01-30T03:25:00.000+08:00

A fine example of curves and angles at the right places. ooo baby...

2005-01-30T03:21:00.000+08:00

The Variance Cockpit.

2005-01-30T03:18:00.000+08:00

My trusty Met 5th Element Helmet

Da Bomb

2005-01-26T01:02:00.000+08:00

Life's been getting a little surreal these few weeks. But its definitely one of the few good moments one can have. Well, turns out that mar gud fwen *** who stays near me keeps pestering me to register at wholivesnearyou.com with the sole possibility that I will most probably meet someone from online who would increase my chances of knowing more people and hence get myself a girlfriend. How thoughtful is that huh...... will anyone get me a gun or somethin...

Anyway, being the bored person who would logically want to find something adventurous to do to get out of boredom, I registered for the online community anyway... and replied a cple of threads and posted a topic... there was this night cycling thingy so I just went for it. End up only 2 of us showed up. The dude's Kenny and he's also Catholic, rides this really old Trek that's 15 speed (mine's 24 speed...) and his saddle wasn't aligned properly and looked like it might fall off or make his butt shift in an awkward position, and there was even a rosary attached to the handlebar... anyway he called up his fren at bukit timah and we cycled down to meet another 2 young fellas. Time was around 12.45am And boy... Nicholas (one of the guys) ain't no fear of death man... His brakes are worn off and yet he still blasted into sharp right turns at the cross junctions... yeah its 2am but that doesn't mean there ain't no traffic... i mean i was the last rider and kept exclaiming "wah lau! oei! siao! crazy..." basically almost every word that is synonymous to the phrase "you want to die ah?!"... think was the same for Fred and Kenny who kept shaking their heads whenever Nick just goes against the traffic or make himself look like he's gonna kamikaze into a taxi. Not to mention that he wanted to go to bukit timah hill bike trail at night... his first time at the trail somemore... i just thought that it was suicide cos the trail is too demanding for his and Kenny's bike let alone going at night with zero visibility.

We ended up going to Adam food centre that didn't have any food stall open, then went all the way up to Novena. Then to Al Ameen that's reputed to have the best cheese egg prata in the country (closed ladeh) then to Desker Road (not my idea ok) to check out da faggots but didn't see any, so went to Lau pa sa for supper and a pit stop. Crap (not shit) during the pit stop then rode all the way to Harbor Front, after which encountered long agonizing slopes along the way to CMPB, then finally reached Queensway... Fred's ass began to hurt like hell at this point... when we got to Clementi we took a short cut under the Clementi bridge, it was cool to carry our bikes from under the bridge to the top. We got to Toh Guan and rested at a bus stop, Nicholas seperated from us to get home (CCK), fred, kenny and I went to Cheers opposite SPC (jurong east... almost home finally) and it was prob almost 5am. Sat down for awhile to talk cock... I reached home at 5.30am... longest ride I had in my life... think probably rode about 50 km. Thank God for the new Serfas Dual Density bike saddle I recently bought otherwise I'd get impotent or somethin... Even after such a long ride I didn't feel any groin pain or numbness...

I'm just really so proud to have my bike. In case if you're wondering where I got "Da Bomb" from, its actually the brand of my bike frame which is 7005 grade alumnium that's sandblasted silver finish. I just absolutely adore this bike. It'll be perfect once I change the stem, seatpost and handlebars. When I'm feeling rich I might change the fork to a Rockshox Duke or maybe even a 2nd hand SID. K.... bike jargon...

I wasn't sick of cycling yet... cycled to school (SIM) for the past 2 days... cos the saddle is just fantastic. Still no numbness or pain. Amazing... ^o^

Another thing I felt was interesting was meeting 4 Catholic church goers in the space of 3 days. Kenny's already baptised but i'm not sure if Fred and Nicholas are baptised yet, and recently got to meet Stanley from my sociology class whom I discovered that he does go to church despite not being baptised. Looks like there're more people to pray for now.

Saw Weng at school on monday after a very long time (prob more than a year), told me how difficult econs was... just the look on his face said it all man. Luckily I'm not taking it.

Watched Keith Floyd on travel and living channel and he made this cple of really nice dishes. He took 1 whole salmon fillet, put some butter, preserved ginger, limes, sultanas, then placed another whole salmon fillet on top and wrapped it up in pastry, applying egg-milk wash to make the surface golden brown during baking. Then another fantastic dish was sauteed spinach without seasoning, boiled fresh mussels, removed the shells, place the mussels on top of the spinach, then pouring a prior made cream cheese sauce topped with parmesan/mozarella and left the casserole in the grill... the end results looked simply tantalizing. Wondering if I should try a similar style sometime.

Also saw this Spanish dish called Chicken Paella which is traditionally cooked in a 6/7 foot pan. Also saw this on Travel and Living... it looked so appetizing and delicious. Its actually a rice dish that has all sorts of ingredients like chicken, prawns, red peppers etc... a key ingredient which is saffron which I've never tried before. Think it might be possible to cook that sometime too as well. Just need to find the right ingredients. Ahh.... life is good......

The Hybrid Theorists

2005-01-22T03:51:00.000+08:00

Ok so I ripped that off from the Linkin Park album... The past week has been great. Managed to start mugging despite a slow start. Finally managed to get my comp to rip CDs to upload to my mp3 player. Spent a ton of money servicing my bicycle... but it was well worth it. I was pleasantly surprised that Susan actually gave me her bridging Maths material... felt so nice to have someone help you just like that.

just feel totally tired now and I'm wondering if I'll ever be able to make it on time to meet Lee later in the morning at 8.30am? and now's like already 4 and I'm still rippin CDs... this is bad... BUT I WANT MY MP3s!

Once again, I lost all my pool matches. Sickening Shit. But God comforted me by blessing me with other better things to do. Included helping Dominique find a saxophonist for his singing competition... some ass backed out on him just a few days before this Saturday's competition. I felt really pissed too, thanks to God for sending Gavin otherwise I wouldn't been able to help. Also cooked lunch for my mum and bro. Baked chicken and stir fried beef. Chicken was nice, beef was ok... was my first time stir frying beef.

Recently also joined wholivesnearyou.com. Realized that not a lot of people in my area come online to meet totally new people. Wonder if they probably had very bad experiences... also saw a silly post abt this teen who got emotionally hurt by "Lin Mei Lee" and is telling everyone that she sucks and she a flirt and wateva... I just went "What da hell... God please help this guy out"

My air conditioner has gone totally wacko... although it cools the room the noise is as loud as a factory producing cars. Fan buttons are dead... so I left a mini toolbox on top of the button to press it down for it work. Also watched Kung Fu Hustle... didn't know auntie's scream can kill people. And definitely bad plot and storyline. But it had cool fight scenes luckily.

I've been pretty close to this ex colleague of mine who's been having relationship problems and seemed a little lost... It has been quite sometime since I spoke to anyone regarding relationships. Met her a week ago and we talked and talked and talked abt her feelings, and I felt quite glad that she was totally open and honest with me. But I was reminded by Lee that since we all choose our own paths and own our feelings, I'd leave what's her's to her's and mine to mine and take a step back and just give her support. Hoping that she will one day embrace God.

Just suddenly felt since I went back to church again, I've become so much more at peace and ready for anything that might just be thrown at my face. Sometimes also wonder when will I have a girlfriend whom I'm gonna go to church with every sunday. But I guess now doesn't seem like I'm gonna meet anyone yet. But life's going smoothly so far, no reason to worry. CDs are almost done... phew...

Supersonic Heads

2005-01-14T02:57:00.000+08:00

I was watching a documentary on how Harley Davidson took 6 years to come up with the V-Rod. The process seemed just so amazing how everything started from scratch. Joel rode my bike back down to my block... was very gracious for him to do so staying near Ginza. It was most prob at least 5-6 km to from his place to mine. The brakes were really out of shape... the disc brakes failing were perhaps the last thing that I expected when it I put it together.

I'm definitely thinking of getting a new saddle for the bugger... but I'm also very tempted to change the seatpost, stem and handlebars altogether at once. But it'd probably cost me close to 200 bucks if I went through that. Not to mention if there'd be any need to change the discs. Feel that the red section of the tires made the bike look a little weird. Perhaps it'd be nice to change them too. I'm just a little afraid that a good saddle might cost over 100 bucks. Even so, I guess if the saddle fits it would be well worth it.

Today was another very unmotivating day. My bio clock seems to be totally screwed now. Been sleeping at 4am and getting up at 2pm. Works out to 10 hours of sleep. Perhaps I ought to reduce that to reduce the amount of lethargy I get coming outta bed.

Recently been thinking about cats and dogs... feel like getting one but can't. Mum's afraid that we might get too attached to it... when it dies... we'll probably mourn for ages. But eversince I met Weiqiang's little pooch... it just gave me that sense of calmness and peace. Animals can be so therapeutic.

Didn't get that job at Microsoft... but I guess it doesn't matter since I'm "focusing" on my studies for the moment to prepare for the mock exams. And I finally made myself known to a couple of my lecture-mates in school. And boy... the girl who sits in the front during Sociology is just gorgeous. I'm never good looking enough to have the company of any gorgeous girl, so sometimes I just don't bother anymore. At times when I look at beautiful people, can't help but feel a little disheartened here and there.

Recently P*** and W**** popped in my mind. I really... truly miss her. I was just so angry that she never replied my msgs and believed that she just didn't care anymore. I just feel like I was such a fool back then... I was just never mature and wise enough for her... she was always ahead of me in terms of knowing what to say, what not to, manners, poise, practical thoughts... and I was just a stubborn and cocky bum who could never learn from his lessons and show some respect to her. I still think that compared to P*** I'm just a thorn in W*****'s flesh... despite consoling her when she called at 2 plus in the morning crying after a tiff with him. But truthfully, my childishness was still the prime cause for her lost of trust in me... that's why up till today... my heart feels regret for losing someone I had a lot of love for.

I just wish I had grown up as fast as her... I shouldn't have judged her after she got together with P***... he changed her so much that I didn't know who she was... it seemed like he just took her away from my life... but he and I both serve the Lord... but i can't help feel that after she met him she began to detest me... we were so close... spent hours on the phone together... she's just such a wonderful person.

And I just feel so ashamed of myself and am too embarassed to even look at her or even call her again... I really don't know what to make of it. I just screwed up and realized how bad it really was. I probably hurt her so much. Won't be surprised if both of them've gotten engaged or married already... I'm really such a fool to have squandered our relationship.

I haven't seen her for years... wonder if I might ever have a chance to see her again... wonder what I should say if we do meet again...

Canned Clam Chowder

2005-01-09T01:46:00.000+08:00

I was just about to write another pathetic chapter on my daily routine on Friday night when Dale replied my sms that he hadn't watched "Meet the Fockers" but asked "how's it goin?", and then we ended up chatting up till 4.30am in the morning.

But that conversation really sparked off my "leftover spirit" which hadn't been nourished since 1998 when I got into my first relationship. It was very very late at night, and I'd heated up my first canned clam chowder for supper. Hadn't spoken to Dale since I last saw him on the bus with this girl that seemed like she'd put 'single' on the Martial Status field... Dale asked me "How's your journey with God man?" or something like that... and I probably gave him a weak reply and he began to articulate to me how God has never and will never forsake my existence even with my faith as small as a mustard seed. And slowly, I felt my spirit flicker for a moment inside... it has always been true...

We began to trace back my days during my secondary school where my faith in God was the strongest among the day's I've spent on Earth. I had few friends, and felt considerably lonesome as everyone else were dating everyone and showing off their wits and "being cool". I couldn't say I was as mature as everyone else, but whenever I saw them and felt envy and loneliness, I knew Jesus and God was always by my side, and sincerely believed that as long as I kept them at heart, I would be truly blessed. But I didn't know what life was like without God... and being the curious fool I was... I began to follow the footsteps of the so called rational human being.

I hadn't gone for Sunday mass since mid 2003 when I broke up with ******* and met a supervisor who seemed to have lost his love for his family members who were also Catholics and regarded them as "all talk no action" followers of Christ. I would say that meeting them reaffirmed me that its better to depend on yourself in order to survive in this world. Only to discover their foolishness and discover that I should have done something to change their attitude towards their life.

I'm not sure as to whether I should be ashamed for drifting away from God, but like the Bible says... "Whatever that happens, its approved by God." Life feels so empty and bottomless when one overfocuses on the matters of the world, and fails to acknowledge their Father. We become so consumed with what lies before our eyes... to that I say:

Even the foolishness of God puts the scholars and intellectuals to shame.

I know myself that I won't get A1 for my English 'O's... but I was the only one in my school who got it that year 1997... Paul and Wendy got A2... and they're journeying with the Lord together now.

Why did I doubt God... perhaps I was just so overly consumed trying to discover what I am, what place do I have in this world and what am I meant to be doing in this life... but the truth's out. I don't decide, but God does. Even the tsunami crisis was God's approval... then we always ask, "How can he approve such calamity?"... the bible already stated that no human rationality nor intelligence can be greater that God's for He was the one who created our very existence.
I even remember the sociology lecture about rationality leading to irrationality/rationality (Weber) about how Protestants brought about capitalism because of their religion, although his theory makes sense about society and economics... still... nothing on the planet matches God's wisdom.

Really thank God for sending Dale and Yingwen and blessing them with courage and wisdom to always remind me of His omnipresence. It's really through God's guidance from the way they've impacted my life. Yingwen, you overflow with the holy spirit and your kind words and actions filled my void while I was distant from God... God's goodness has really shone in you and I'm truly glad to meet such a wonderful follower of Christ. If not for you, Dale wouldn't have been able to convince me to stop doubting God and embrace his presence again. Both of you have shown courage to be the light and salt... life seems to be so much more peaceful now thanks to you both. I really wish that everyone I meet will be as bright and salty as you guys.

After all my searching and pondering... I still ended up with the Lord. If there's anything to boast about... is to boast about the Lord.

6/1/05: Antiviral Muggers

2005-01-06T01:24:00.000+08:00

That's another crappy band name on the list. Its the start of a brand new year of unexpected expectations. Started off hangin'out at Janice's crib (HDB flat rather), bunch of us helped her with spaghetti, pretty nice for one made with chicken. Played Jenga like I've never did before... 'twas a really simple teenage kinda countdown in our early 20s... pathetic? well... at least there was alcohol... erm... 6%? yeah ok tell me abt it....

Despite the lack of intoxication to welcome the new year, I found myself playing with a professional 3 cushion billiards player who came down to Gamesfusion. It was one'nof'ose coincidences like seeing the moon turn orange or somethin... Well da pro's name was Martin and he's got some skills man... Well I wasn't in the mood to run a rack off the Belgian's nose... but it'd really take an effort to match his skill. I hit a cple of nice caroms and jump shots, but he pretty much made me feel like a kid on the table. I wonder if I'll ever be able to play at that level he showed... anyway... I played against him for hours, and had this feeling that everyone playing around me was jealous of my opportunity to play with one of the best. Learnt that my fundamentals weren't refined enough... a pretty good reason for me not to progress as fast as I'd like to.

Recently installed software that's supposed to make my PC run decently again, found hundreds of defective files/viruses/spyware... seems like a daily event now to have bugs running into your HD leaving crap behind.

2005 started sorrowfully with the tsunami crisis which was resulted by a 9/9.5 richter scale earthquake in the ocean between Sumatra and Sri Lanka... Hundreds of thousands of casualties, millions of people displaced from their homes... tourists in Phuket woke up from their dreams to a living horror when vehicles smashed into hotels off the famous Phuket beach. Thousands of people missing and unidentified... and no one was able to predict the chaos about to befall millions of victims.

Countries all over the world pulled together money, food, supplies and resources to provide the casualties with aid. Michael Schumacher donated a generous $10 million from what I remember. Jermaine O'Neal scored his career high 55 points against Milwaukee coming back from his suspension (Indiana-Detroit brawl) and also donated a hefty sum to the tsunami victims... Just a lotta media coverage on who donated how much...

I hope I get a good job this year, after all the little stints that I went through after the army, wasn't a really big waste but... time can always be better spent isn't it? Well let's not regret too much and appreciate God's gift of life.

Weber's theory on rationality was one of the most important breakthroughs in the study of sociology. How religion (irrational) can cause such an immense amount of capitalism (rational)... after I attended that lecture... I guess the lecturer wasn't that much of a "cannot make it" kinda lecturer cos I managed to understand the amount of depth that Weber's theory had through his presentation of it.

I was pretty glad that I managed to do a cple of integration problems (maths)... at least my maths still can make it. But still haven't touched any of the assignments yet... guess I'd better start immediately tomorrow.

And dear Lee really went to get me Ken Hirai CDs... it was really very nice... haven't got such nice gifts from anyone for awhile... other than the book voucher from Josh, Ian, Huishi, Peini, Shiyu and Yong for my 24th bday.

Gotta get my mp3 player fixed up in order to upload those CDs man... It'll be awesome to listen to Ken Hirai on the move.

I wonder if I'll meet another nice girl this year. Well as usual... just wait for the time to come while I'm still young and eligible. Its nice to be a guy in this era, women just age doubly fast in some way, whereas most men season like vintage wine, now eat that UOB Lady's card holders!
Speaking of ladies... I wonder how many crushes I've had since the day I met my first girlfren.... there was P***** then L***, after which fell for L****, F******** and J******, then came a period where there was absolutely no one... then I met H***** who was probably the hottest babe I've ever watched a show with and the most pathetic confessions made to her... hahaha... B***** fell for another guy sadly, but I met S****** whom I dated very shortly. Then I met K*** who was prob the prettiest girl I've made frens with, went out with V****** once and think we're probably gonna remain frens for at least... till we get married? (doesn't have to mean me and her but she and someone else vice versa)... L******'s sadly attached... Think its time to say "Hi" to some of my lecture mates. Ermm... if my future potential gf/official gf/fiance/wife reads this... Babe/sweetie/darling, if you're wondering who they are... they're most probably prettier, smarter, slimmer, more poised, more curvy, more mature, sexier, taller, have bigger boobs than you but... you'd be the most angelic among all of them yah... (this fella.... sweet-talk only ah...) well that's why my favourite songs are both named 'Angel' by Robbie Williams and David Tao.

Hope I get that Microsoft job man... will be the best start to any year in my life.

28/11/04 Slamma Dang Dangs

2004-11-28T16:16:00.000+08:00

Another week has passed by and the weather's been pouring everywhere around the country. Reminded me of a flash flood somewhere in Geylang months go where the water was probably shin deep?

I've been networking around for a few months with pool enthusiasts, and somewhat discovered that all of them have such differing approaches to their lives, but they all like to play the game. They can be in it for a past-time, a passion, an opportunity or a goal to achieve. For me? I'm in it for the opportunity to learn. Besides developing skill and finesse, the game has such a great emphasis on controlling your thoughts and planning your strategies. At times I feel so much pressure when I play in the weekly leagues and wonder where all this is going to lead to anyway. Eversince I hurt my knee, I've been at this game for the entire year, afraid to risk another injury if I went back to basketball.

I now find myself taking a path that I'm so unfamiliar with and not knowing what the consequences are going to lead me to. My goals seem so short term and despite going through some experiences, I haven't a clue yet as to what I will really enjoy doing for the rest of my life.

One thing I know for sure, is that in Singapore, if you didn't have any passion for doing what you plan to do, will 1) not make logical sense, 2) make you be judged upon by others, 3) have others confuse you with what you should do. And Singaporeans are becoming so impatient/demanding towards making a "better" society where 60% of the population will turn out to be degree holders.

I'm going to get my bsc in management with law, but I'm not sure if I will enjoy doing whatever I'm going to do in the future. Confidence sure seems to be lacking a lot this year. I'm so young yet I'm troubled with these small factors that mature and successful people don't even consider. After speaking to Steven (a contractor I met while there were renovations in the office), he reminded me about the experience I have as a musician, and that there with my contacts I won't fare too badly doing music as my career. From that I realized that I'm so easily swayed by other people's opinions about what one should strive for in life.

Perhaps I ought to ponder on my goals and reasons for choosing them. What will my goals represent? Just how much outside interference is enough? Other people's opinions can be very valuable, but what is the limit one should have in accepting other's opinions? More importantly, how much should I limit myself? I can't possibly please everybody right? So might as well please myself first. But that kind of attitude might accidentally lead to selfish and inconsiderate behaviour. Is life easy? It won't be if you try to please everybody, neither if you don't please anyone at all. Even Jesus didn't please everybody to follow the right path to eternal grace. His punishment was crucifixion for that. As for his resurrection that's another story.

Can't wait to get my pay... will be a great sigh of relief for me by then. Gotta watch my expenditure and be more focused on saving. I just need another month before I break off to focus on nothing but my exams.

The Verdict

2004-11-15T22:28:00.000+08:00

Honestly... the chicken I baked today was awesome. I'm not a fan of breast meat, but for the first time, I realized how good it can taste if you cook it just right. 30 minutes in the oven at around 200 deg C. Came out succulent... I was just amazed. All I did was just marinate with salt, coarse black pepper, chopped garlic, shaoxing wine, a bit of soya sauce, oyster sauce and brown sugar, without measuring the amount. Let it marinate for one and a half hour, ... gosh I never seen breast meat done so perfectly in my life... it just melted in my mouth and I was just ecstatic man. If only the oven was bigger and had skewers installed... the fat would drip off leaving the skin crispy and the meat... this ain't good if you're reading it after 10pm... hahaha...

Next attempt will be beef steak... hopefully it'll be as good as the chicken.

15/11/04 Psychedelic Swimmers

2004-11-15T15:37:00.000+08:00

Yeah here I go again with the weird band name shit... I'm gonna come up with a weird band name everytime I write a blog now, so complain all you want it ain't gonna change. ^_~

Today's the last day of the holidays. I must say I have enjoyed myself. Did almost everything I wanted to do except studying and catching up on my lectures. Proud of myself? Honestly I feel a little shitty now. This year's been so... unfulfilling? Feel like I haven't accomplished anything during this period. As much as I can remember, the biggest achievement... got to semis of an amatuer pool league. Somewhat recovered from knee surgery. Finally highlighted my hair for the first time? You call that achievements? Shouldn't achievements be for example half a million bucks turnover for a company, getting a car (err i mean license..), passing tests with flying colors, finding a great job and sticking with it, of course find oneself a nice lady partner to hang around with.

I've decided to just let this year pass on already, whatever crap's gonna happen let it happen for the next 40+ days. I let myself down this year. Wondering why can't I ignite. Again... Loser attitude.

Well, the holidays started off with a so so day at Sentosa, followed by a day of pool against Anthony whom I lost to. I felt I played up to my standard that day, but to beat Anthony you needed extra. Well, even though I lost I consoled myself with the usual excuses... Friday... Oh man... East meets West. Went all the way to Wild Wild Wet, only to just walk around for a few minutes and... YES IT RAINED.... the rain stopped thankfully, so we went up 3-4 storeys to take this float ride thingy that can make softies scream... after a gruelling 30 mins... YES IT RAINED again... and there were just abt 10 people away from our (lee and dominique) turn. So we climbed down, changed, were really pissed, got our complimentary tickets from guest relations, and went to tampines mall for KFC. The most exciting part of that day was probably Dominique coming out from a taxi barefooted with a what looked like PT kit without footwear at Cityhall (his slippers broke).

Saturday... played (pool) against this young chap Sherwyn who showed that he could work really hard on the game to win. And he did. Well after that, I almost break cleared an 8 ball rack (left 2 balls), went to Tanglin Halt for western food dinner, and chatted with Marcel and Eddie abt the NBA (favourite topic of mine) and surviving/dying pool halls in Singapore. It wasn't a really bad day but ain't tat great either. Would've been nicer if I got through the first round... currently on a losing streak but... I did win on my first attempt at the tour... (yeap self consoling again)...

Sunday... xbox + lunch with family + xbox + dinner with family + visited grandparents + xbox day. Today... chatted online with Joy trying to figure out how to spend our day... and every thing I mentioned she either can't or must not do... well I gave up and played xbox again till mum interuppted and I went to the fridge, saw half a chicken and decided to marinate and bake it. Haven't cooked anything for ages... finally... hope it'll turn out ok later.

11/11/04 Paradoxical Facial Tissues

2004-11-11T01:54:00.000+08:00

That'll be an interesting name for a band wouldn't it? Went to Sentosa today... weather was perfect... slight breeze and the partially cloudy, Bacardi Breeze at the coastline, abused not by the sun but by some dudes who frisbee'd sand on me while reading my issue of Maxim peacefully. Thankfully they went somewhere else for awhile and I caught some sleep... weather was soooo nice.... no trace of any grill marks surprisingly for Singapore's sun. Had Lee for company, she's been vital to my survival for the past few mths... supporting and encouraging me. I wonder why I don't meet more girls like her, then again... nah... ^_~

Energy level's been terrible for this whole year. Need to work out more. Watched Gundam Seed Destiny and it was jaw dropping beautiful anime. Wished I had the Gundam Seed Freedom model... its just such a beautiful thing.

Oooo boy... here comes a wish list for Christmas... lets see... Gundam Seed "Freedom" model, Seal Unplugged DVD, Concert tickets for Sting in Jan, Teva sandals, a couple of cool looking rings, new wheels for my roller blades, macross veritech fighters with fast packs, flat screen TV, Star Blazers dvds, Whose Line is it Anyway/sitcom vcds, Ray charles CD, boxers, beach shirt/shorts, denim jacket, movie tickets, bicycle tune up/upgrade... hmm... any gd book/s.... most important of all... time with friends and family eh... *grin- wat a hyprocrite eh....

Oh yeah... hopefully strike 4D/toto. This one will be the best. (skali pple buy me 4d/toto ticket for Christmas!)

Happy Deepavali!

8/11/04 Another usual day.

2004-11-08T22:51:00.000+08:00

Finally managed to get up on time on a Monday... caught the bus right on time. If only it had more leg room, so I can position myself for a nice nap for an extra hour.

It was another busy day in the office again... rushing documents that were needed in a meeting in less than 2 hours or so. Everything seemed to be needed to be produced within 2 hours or less regardless if it was 10 or 40 copies. Didn't even get to collect the mail.

Damn Adecco still didn't mail me my cheque... and I'm left with less than 20 bucks for the week... Dad nagging that I gotta get another job without going through the agents... Argh! Poor and pissed off today... at least I finished 1 whole sociology class since 3-4 weeks ago? Saw Syl-lyn on the bus with her friend. Smiled, waved, end of story.

Had a little chat with Sindy on the way to sch... felt like an fool but some confidence did ooze out since the Jurassic Period (actually since 2 mths ago). Sweet lady though.

I should just stay on this job till prob February to save some dosh for the cramming. Let's just hope I don't get too sick of it too quickly. Need some to go on holiday too... Argh... I need to get a better job with better pay dammit!

7/11/04 All Messed Up.

2004-11-07T20:18:00.000+08:00

I just feel absolutely messed up today. Its been going on almost every Sunday of the week. Absolutely no drive to do anything that is useful/helpful to myself let alone to other people.

Quick recap on my life... I have never put any thoughts to what I was going to achieve after National Service. The future was simply a blur. Not the slightest defined clue to what's gonna happen in 3-5 years. The interview question, "What do you see yourself doing 5 years down the road?" seemed to have this usual answer, "I would see myself probably in middle management, having some experience to pass down to the younger employees, helping and guiding them..."

But deep down inside... "I don't know man..."

Started off studying IT hoping that I will be trained well to handle information systems, ended up disliking and feeling bored about it. Changed my line to mass comm in which I had very good results but decided that it won't equip me with any particular skill that's required in the market. I'm studying management with law now hoping that it will equip me with some skills, hoping to find a good administrative job.

But all these hopes suddenly disappeared... replaced with the attitude of a complete loser who can't discipline himself to work harder and to achieve what he thinks that's going to be good for him.

Its rather remarkable that aspirations and dreams can suddenly just come to a halt when one believes that everything he achieves won't really make a difference because he's going to disappear from the world anyway. This person doesn't have cancer, isn't handicapped, had a good education, good family background, good friends... yet... he doesn't even realize that he is in a perfectly prime position to aspire and achieve his dreams...

He recognizes his dreams... but without a course of action, a dream remains as it is... a dream. Perhaps I ought to start in small steps before I start moving on to the big ones. After all... the bigger they are, the harder they fall...

I've always had an inferiority complex... failure always seems to bring that side out of me. What's the best way to avoid that then? Don't do anything, cos if you do, the chance of failure is always there. Perhaps that's the reason for my big loser attitude towards my life since I broke up with Sabrina + had reconstructive surgery on my knee, which both had pretty big impacts on my confidence.

I guess if we never put any risk into anything we do... you'll probably end up like what I'm feeling right now.

If only cigarettes didn't cause lung cancer and cost 10 cents a pack... I'm sure some people would agree eh?

31/10/04 The Changing Same....

2004-10-31T23:39:00.000+08:00

I wonder why I'm not a professional musician or a rock star, its like when you're a musician you're kinda doing everything what everyone else is doing... luvin, complaining, shouting, yelling, whispering, gossiping, joking, crying, exclaiming, boasting... discussing abt war, love, thongs, fruits, tv...

I think we all just wanna live life simply, I'm a single available guy who'd like to meet a nice girl... passionate people... I'm a guy with passion for things... possibly one of those people who would agree to most of the things a normal person would say. I'm easy-going most of the time (fake smiles and all that)... possibly thought of as a hypocrite... but that's because I try to be too nice at times. After all Jesus Christ did die for our sins... it'd be better not to sin again. yeah tat sounded naive... but it'd be nice if we didn't do bad things because others did bad things to us. Adults are just overgrown kids... kids are better people IMHO... I dun think being over 21 gives us the right to teach the younger generation. They have minds and can think for themselves. But I guess we all need a little more wisdom than that sentence.

The human spirit's a complex thing. well.... we always gotta make a choice if our moods/feelings are science or related to something spriritual. When we get good days and that satisfaction could just be affected by some... chemical balancing. Think the hottest gal I met was... well anyway, with babes, days never remained good all the time. They always seemed to want/expect something. But I never really knew if they wanted a hot bod or a stimulating mind. Women... Will some girl out there tell me off that you aren't guilty of wanting/expecting too many things from ur dates/bfs/men? Well... since I mentioned the human spirit... I think I haven't seen enough people giving I guess... perhaps there's a scientific explanation to a spiritual problem... ain't life a bitch making it seem that way?

Darn mp3 player failed on me... felt like pitching it across the room like a baseball. Hate it when technology fails on me. Its just too darn difficult without it now. I need some music in my life. Music and a nice girl who can converse with passion. Why aren't any one of the girls I meet passionate about anything? They are interested in stuff but.... is there any passion? Is there any magazine writer out there that counsels pple like me?

Wat a bitchy introduction... I need to sleep now anyway, editing would just make it seem artificial.