Jumbled up emotions

When I was done writing the blog entry today, realizing that God is going to be there for me always... I decided to spend majority of the remaining 2 hours to speak to the Lord. It'd been a long time since I spent time with Jesus one on one for such a long period. I was focused on Jesus, offering my deepest concerns and prayers to him...

I was feeling extremely nervous the entire day... and even after the practical session in the morning, didn't really help to calm my nerves. I looked to Jesus... praying that He will send grace upon me. As I spoke to him... I expressed my deepest shortcomings, my mistakes, my faults, and just about everything negative I could think of to Him... even perhaps discrediting to whatever good works I've done for the past few years.

I shared with the Lord again about how my life took a turn for the worse in 1998... what a serious mistake that led me to make nest errors as each month and year went past in a blink of an eye. How meeting Pearlie affected my relationship with Mavis... the emotions and decisions I made in the past... why I chose to make them and what the results of the consequences were after doing that... it brought back a lot of hurtful and sorrowful memories while sharing it with Jesus... but Jesus was sitting just right there in front of me... listening to my worries and troubles... reminding me through the Holy spirit, that I don't need to brood over such things and that He's already forgiven me...

I prayed like I've never prayed before for a test/exam... and it didn't feel like it was a long prayer... felt God's presence quite strongly after the prayer. I realized that eversince I got my 'O' level results, I thought that I could do almost anything I wanted... but what I didn't know and realized too late was that it was so important for me to have chosen a career path and stick with it all the way, only that would enable me to end up getting a proper job with a respectable reputation starting early when I go to work.

However even as I erred on so many occasions, I realized that God had always been there for me, doing big and small miracles here and there... making sure that whatever I do I don't land myself into harm. Which is really typical of a Father caring for His child... and I thanked the Lord for all those opportunities and things that He'd given me.

After praying... it was still a bit early, so I went to take a shower and changed before I set off. I almost underestimated the time I needed to shower and get ready to set off. But the Lord was right there for me sending bus 187 with just a couple minutes of waiting at the bus stop. I then arrived 12 mins earlier at the centre, and didn't really need to wait that long as compared to my previous test.

My warm-up kind of made me lose my self-confidence a little again... I didn't strike any kerbs this time. But I had a lot of hiccups to changing gears, speed adjustments, and also braking, which was pointed out by the instructor. I was nervous. I think I'm not really a good driver at that point of time, but I pressed on, applying what everyone has taught me. I'd forgotten that the warm-up was actually really short, and when it was over, negative vibes began to creep into that weak head of mine. My heart began to race... I was getting more and more nervous.

As I took my seat just outside the TP counter, I realized that I'd totally forgotten that I left my bag in the backseat of the car, and that almost destroyed me, everyone was relaxed enough to take their bags up with them. I sat there, trying my best to filter the negative thoughts away... but I was just soooo nervous. My mind had already halted, and I was just overcome with nervousness that I could hardly think. The nervousness had already moved on to panic.

But then I began to ask myself, am I going to pass or fail? If I'm going to pass, I just need to do what I've been taught so far. If I'm going to fail, its going to mean that I've not learnt anything after so many lessons. Am I a qualified driver? And my answer to that was... It's not that I dunno how to drive, in fact I can drive. If I do everything correctly as expected of what the instructors had taught me, I guess at least I can say I've done my best, pass or fail its up to them to decide. And I kept telling myself that I can drive and I just need to do things properly... it did help to calm my nerves, but I was still nervous.

Finally the chief tester called us into the room, there were about 8-10 of us taking the test. We balloted and I got test route number 2. Looked at route, man... I'd need to go down all the way to bukit batok central to do that U-turn. I tried to nail the route into my head. So then we began waiting for our names to be called out, I was still nervous. Got called up, and there was my tester... didn't seem as friendly as the other testers who smiled at the ladies.

Got down to the car, got in, seat belt, engine switched on, slowly tried to compose myself and go through the checks. Adjusted the mirrors, and I adjusted the left side mirror looking at my right one instead! Luckily I didn't panic, but I was still nervous. Tester said ok ready to go, so I started off... I made the engine whir a little loud because I dare not clutch out, then I remembered I got to clutch out more. When traffic was clear, I set off smoothly and switched to 2nd gear.

My circuit was done perfectly, didn't clip at kerbs, parked straight, signaled correctly, slope was perfectly done, did all my checks. I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when I completed the circuit. There was one lady learner that mounted the entire kerb, not once, not twice, but 3 times from 1 kerb to the next! And I could see her covering her mouth as the car just went over the kerb, while I was just about to parallel park. I almost hit the kerb while doing my crank course... Almost man... was so close.

As I was going out to the road, I made a right turn too late with an oncoming car, and the tester said "Why did u make the turn? The car was so close cannot see ah?", and I nodded my head pressing my lips. I slowly made my way out, and had to make a right turn, this was where my judgement had to come into the picture, I had to wait for a little longer than usual, but I managed to make a decision, and my right turn was almost perfect. Later on I'd change lane and ended up overtaking an oncoming car, then the tester exclaimed, "How can you change lane like that? Didn't you see the car on the right? You got to look in front!" I felt bad... but I didn't let it affect my performance, and I continued to do what I needed to do while making another right turn.

And we just headed back to the driving centre very quickly, everything else was ok. The tester lectured me about my blind spots, that I check too much. "Checking blind spot too much can make u blind" he said. And kept lecturing me emphasising and asked if I checked the mirror, I realized my mistake and he continued saying it to me. I maintained eye contact with him, listening to him... and I began to think... "I'm gonna get immediate failure for changing lane without due care..." And my heart began to sink... but then he finally said "I'm going to let you pass... blah blah blah" and my heart was like "WHHOOOOOPPEEEEEEE!!!!" but I had to keep those emotions under control as he haven't started marking the test script yet. 14 points... wow... I passed... I really didn't know what to feel then... I didn't know if I kept my composure to put up a front... or whether I was really remorseful for the mistake that I've made not checking the mirrors.

I was trying my best to keep my emotions controlled, I didn't know for what... scared lose face or prevent myself from hurting someone who just failed. I was still thinking a lot... I needed to let go... but I couldn't do so... even when I called baby... I didn't sound all that happy about it. Deep down inside I wanted to explode, but I really couldn't... I began to suppress my joy throughout the rest of my day...

While having dinner with baby... I wanted so much to tell her exactly what happened, but there just wasn't enough time to share... and I knew how she was feeling and I didn't want her to feel the same way as me bottling up my emotions with no outlet to let go... So I decided to let her go first... at least at the end of the day, she'd feel really happy.

But then I realized that I was suppressing my joy so much... and that I had no outlet to express... not even to my family yet. And the lecture started off bad... had to do a summary of an article given last week which I didn't bring... and Dr Ann was gonna call out 6-7 pple to answer the summary. I was sitting front... and I wasn't in a good mood already... let alone approach the guy 2 seats away asking him to share the article with me... I felt really lousy...

I left the class to the canteen, feeling miserable for no reason, and also to escape from having being called out and being publicly embarassed for not contributing to the class as I really had no mood to ask a stranger to share the article with me. Pure irony isn't it? I had a cup of chinese tea... and I began to picture Jesus sitting opposite me, being there for me... it did comfort me a little bit... but still I had no outlet to express my feelings and joy. I realized that the joy of passing the test had disappeared... and I really wanted to share with baby about it... but that was just how I felt at that point of time. I guess if baby read this she'd be very upset with herself... but I don't blame her... I mean she's really happy too... and it must always be me who bring her down... and I really don't want to do that. Again I got to control my emotions.

But poor baby had her lesson stretch till almost 10.20pm. Stupid lecturer, I think he's going to get complained for holding back the class so late. Does it really take so much time? Perhaps he probably has an explanation for that. Sigh... but baby came out fine and dandy... still smiling ear to ear... well at least one of us is happy.... she called candice and shared with her about her victory... me? I wanted to call Lee too, but I felt that she'd be jealous and hurt if I did so. She let me drive her car back to my place, and when I reached home, she was still on the phone. I guess there's nothing much I could say... just wait for her lor... so I parked the car for awhile... waiting for her to finish sharing. I was exhausted... drained... moody... and patheticly unenthusiastic about passing my driving... I really felt like a piece of shit last night in front of baby. But I tried to look happy and kiss her goodbye.

I think I'll go for a run right now... weather's been very nice. Pray that God will relieve me of my brokenness.

Glorious Redeemer

Woke up really early this morning, didn't really have a nice dream. Hoped to fall asleep again dream about something better, but I just flipped side to side at around 5 plus am in the morning, and finally decided to just get out of bed.

I'm going to have my driving test again (2nd time) later on at 1535 hrs. I'm going to have a warm up session, and after that I'll be going for my test. This morning I had a lesson which didn't go very smoothly. The instructor rose his voice at me and was picking on my mistakes, and I realized that I'd been overcomplacent at some parts of the circuit. I'd been making my turns too early and my rear wheels almost hit the kerb on more than 3 occasions. It meant that I needed to steer later to give more allowance. The easiest of courses turned out to be the source of my demise as I struck the kerb during my first run in the morning, and it was because I kept too close to one particular side of the road and I didn't give enough allowance. But as I proceeded to the rest of the stations, everything seemed pretty alright.

My mind needs to be at its most alert state during my driving later, I'll need to look everywhere and make good traffic judgements before I decide to do anything with my vehicle. I can drive already, right now its a matter of my judgement of the traffic conditions and situations that will determine whether I'll pass. The instructor just now exclaimed that my chances of passes at the point of time was only about 60-70%, and much of the lack of passing percentage is due to my turning radius judgement. Striking kerbs are a big no-no... my gdness I gotta be more careful later.

When I came back I watched an amazing episode of Bleach, Ichigo had completed his training and had become really strong. It was really cool.

I decided since there was a lot of time left from now till 2 pm plus I could take a break to watch Coach Carter. But the network connection was a little too slow... and bro restarted the router while I was watching halfway... it was ok cos my mind was completely focused on the test later.

So I decided to turn to my bible... praying and hoping that God will send me a verse... but as I was flipping and reading proverbs, nothing really came up. Then I got a call from Steve who's Tim's friend, Tim smsed me that Steve would be calling me soon regarding a job. Turned out that he needed someone to help out with an exhibition at suntec next weekend. As he explained to me the job scope, I told myself I got to think properly before I decide to give a yes or a no... so I asked him abt the job, what the working hours are like, when it will start... and it clashed with my classes... and I've made a decision to put my studies as probably 2nd top priority, and this job didn't seem to fit the category of my first priority... and it clashed with my lessons, so I had to turn him down... felt a little bad, and wondered a little if I should have accepted his offer.

However the Grace of God came immediately... my bible was at Isaiah, and I flipped a page or so and saw chapter 41 verse 10... which really really applied so much to my current situation...

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand."

and looking down to verse 13

"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand, saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you.'"

and verse 14

"Fear not, you worm Jacob, You men of Israel! I will help you," says the Lord and your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Wow... I knew that God has always been at my side constantly showering me with love and attention wherever I go and whatever I do.

Thank you Jesus for being there for me... I pray that you will help me pass!

Also... Lord I pray that you will also let Selene get through the kebaya test and the rest of the interview tests... She's been feeling down and I pray that you will encourage her with your presence and send angels to fight away devils who keep hounding her Lord.

Thank you for ur forgiving and merciful heart. You are my Glorious Redeemer. I will do my best for my driving later. I continue to ask you for your blessings Lord Jesus, AMEN!!!

Touched by God

I just came back from a run, and I've been feeling extremely depressed... I know Selene managed to get what she wanted just by doing everything correctly. I wonder if there was any need for me to be around in the first place.

Clocked a timing of 15.52 secs... about 10 secs slower than yesterday.

I've really not been the happiest person the past few days... everything's not going that smoothly for me...

But I experienced something tremendous this morning. I was just feeling so down this morning... so I decided to go for a run. Guess what... dark clouds began to start hovering over the sky and I thought... "sigh... looks like I can't run tonight..." so I decided to watch tv for awhile instead.

But there wasn't any nice show showing on tv... and about 20 mins later, I realized that it hadn't began to rain. Then something just struck me... it was as if God told me, "Westin don't worry, I'll hold back the rain for awhile, it will be just nice when you finish your run."

So I put on my shoes, took my key and went downstairs. It began to drizzle, but it was almost perfect weather for a run. After the run, I managed to catch my breath... and I was feeling rather emotional again. I haven't talked abt the crucial part... IT DID NOT RAIN WHILE I WAS RUNNING! By the time I completed my run it was still drizzling slightly! Oh Lord my God how great and faithful you are to me...

After running I went over the fitness corner to do crunches and push-ups. And something really beautiful happened. I tell you I really experienced the presence of God at this moment. It was beginning to rain already... and I was probably doing my 40th crunch... a little boy toddler just popped up right beside me while I was lying down... and he was just mumbling something to me... I had no idea what the little boy was saying... but he was just really such a cute little boy and I smiled immediately when I saw him... imagine it was beginning to rain already and this little 1 yr old came out from nowhere, I asked him where's his mummy and daddy, but he seemed so calm and I was thinking that they might be probably nearby. And even while I continued my crunches, he just stood there adorably watching me exercise. And he kept saying the same verse over and over again... till I finally repeated the exact same thing to him, his reaction was so cute... Seeing him just really made me smile so widely and felt so much peace at that particular moment. After which he heard his dad call out to him from afar, and he wondered how he was going to get to his dad for awhile. So he plucked up his courage and began to walk forward... however he tripped and fell, and his dad finally came out in the rain to pick him up and bring him to shelter. I wasn't wearing my glasses the whole time... but I could see the little boy so clearly just now... he was really so cute.

While walking my way home in the rain, I really felt God touching me... walking in the rain felt like it was the only way God was ever able to touch me physically... and I really felt God's presence saying "its ok Westin... I'm right here for you and I will give you my support and encouragement." And I just really felt so thankful and touched by God... He really really loves me... and I'm sure that it was by His will that today He was going to pay attention to me. Even though He might have let it rain for other purposes... but I'm just so convinced that one of the purposes included touching me and give me the support and encouragement that I needed.

Thank you God, and also Jesus... for being there for me right at the point where I needed you most. I will always praise and worship you. Thank you Jesus... I love you.

Its been 3 months...

Its been a long while since I got to write and pour out all the stuff that's been whirling not just in Brain but in Heart as well. Lotsa stuff has happened and I'm just really so drained and tired at times that I really can't help forgetting those things that happened.

Eversince Selene got together again after that incident... yet we still had some disputes over some of the little things that I failed to do. For example leaving her in the car and walking off without due care when she said "Bye..." having no idea that bye didn't mean bye but bye soon you should wait for me to leave and disappear then u can go. Plus always getting into the lift without pressing the lift and allowing her to go in first... and when she's at her doorstep and says "Bye" you don't say "bye" and leave without making sure she steps into the door and closes it shut and u know that she's safe and then u can really say Bye.

Feel like I'm just such an idiot when it comes to love. And recently I apologized to her for saying so many things. But I still haven't came around to really being all that sensitive towards what she'd be thinking and anticipate what she's going to say next.... but yet at times I do know what she's thinking but I'm just not sure whether its the right time to tell her what I think and what I feel.

I think right now I'm just filled with a whole tonne of emotions going through my entire body that I can't even think straight. I just feel this sudden sense of insecurity and sadness filling my chest. Like as if something really bad is going to happen and I'm going to be extremely saddened by the event. I really wonder if I'm becoming paranoid and confused.

I don't understand how come Selene isn't bothered abt Lex liking her and yet she doesn't mind spending time with him. I felt very bothered meeting Zoe as she just came really naturally and we seemed to get along so well that it just made me feel rather uneasy that she might have fallen for me... and that I might unknowingly fall for her also... and the situation itself just creeps me out completely and I just wish tat I keep as much distance from myself from her as much as possible.

Its just different between me and Lee compared to Selene and Lex. I really wonder what is going to come about them? I guess they could end up just as gd friends as me and Lee are right now. Difference is that me and Lee just don't have that kind of chemistry, and we get a long well. And with Selene and Lex... they aren't the best of friends, but he seems to really like her so much and Selene doesn't seem to really mind spending time with him. I can't help but wonder why she still comes into contact with him, could it be my own fault for me giving the go ahead for her to meet him as and when he asks her out?

She definitely doesn't want to hurt him, but its still puzzling to me tat she hasn't told him that. Wouldn't tat be considered 2 timing? She's seeing me and yet continuing to see this particular guy who likes her and offers to chauffeur her to work....

Lord God... what should I do? I feel like she's not being sincere to me by continuing to see Lex. I'm starting to feel angry about it. I'm already angry about it right now.

Lord calm my anger... and I pray that u'll not let jealousy and and the devil take control of me... I am feeling pretty hurt. But Lord... after all that u've done humanity betrayed your heavenly Word and crucified u... yet you died to cleanse our sins and continued to love us in every way possible. Your Love O Jesus is what I seek... give me strength O Lord to let the love of God penetrate me and flow through me... that I may not let anger and hate consume me, but binding Love conquer all evil and wicked ways.

Lord let not my prejudice and worldly judgements cloud my visions and what I hear... but let me be sensitive to the Holy spirit and give me wisdom to differentiate between trust and lies. Let not the seed of evil planted in my heart spoil my soul, but may the Holy Spirit cast out devils who try to induce me to reproach Selene with jealousy and with selfish gibberish that fail to exalt and glorify Your Word O God.

Lord, let me forgive Selene if she has hurt me in any manner. Let me follow thy example who sacrificial love and consecration to relationships O Lord. Let me be forever loving towards her father, and I pray that peace will touch my heart and that the angels You sent destroy evil that tries to possess my soul.

Oh Lord Jesus... have mercy on me. Have mercy on us all... make us worthy to share eternal life, and that we may sing in your Glory in heaven forever and ever.

Its time for a change...

Of character and habits.

I've been having this problem whereby I've been insensitive to how other people feel and sometimes just take things forgranted that other people are always accepting to the things that I say or do.

I really need to change my attitude and become more in tune to other people's emotions and thoughts, but yet not go overboard and thus being oversensitive.

Joshua gave me advice to listen more to my surroundings, and to think of others more than myself.

I was praying just now and God gave me the grace and wisdom, telling me that although its important to listen to my surroundings and think of others more than myself, it does not mean that I have to make myself feel inferior and insecure for I believe right now will make things really worse than before. Its more important to be humble and more important that after listening to the other person, say something that is relevant and something that's not only 100% from the heart, but also think of saying things in a manner that address the issue and keeping the connection. What matters isn't really what is being said, but how it is being said.

Always think of what the other person is thinking and think about how the other person's gonna interpret what you're about to say. Keep anticipating and keep alert.

I was recording my own conversation with myself with my new camera phone, and I discovered that I always leave my mouth open after I finish a sentence. Bad habit, and I ought to maintain eye contact with someone in a manner to establish some connection. Always look at the person in the eye and extend my feelers for any sort of body language. Think about what the person said and figure out how, why and what exactly he/she said before attempting a reply.

Also pronounce and exercise my facial muscles to pronounce certain words. Don't always go "Duh...................."

Keep in mind about other people's feelings and listen more to my surroundings. That's most important.

Do it every single time and practice it every single chance you get to interact with someone. Every single day. Be it at home or outside.

Make it a habit. Make it become YOU. BE SENSITIVE TO OTHERS.

Baby... let's make up

Finally, after about a week... I never thought a week could last so hard and long.

I'd never gone through this sort of trial before. And I'm wondering, the things that I've done and the things that I've went through, whether it's worth or not... I believe that it will always be worth it if you keep a steady mind and a steady heart and stick to whatever you sought out to do in the beginning, and you know very well that whatever you did was right and no matter the outcome, what you choose to do is always right if you let God be the center of your life.

As such, it would be a really foolish mistake to have to destroy everything that you've tried to build by giving up when something just doesn't out the way it should, hence affecting your mood and draining the energy through negative emotions.

God knows that all this while, I've been trying to build a steady, strong, loving and lasting relationship with the person I chose to be with. This idea has never changed since I decided to be with Selene. And I really wish that things will work out and that we'll be of a sane disposition to assess and find solutions to problems that we have been facing for the past week, or perhaps the past month.

Whenever situations seem bleak with little or almost no hope of reviving, that's where our belief in our values, strengths and weaknesses fall short of God's power to make the impossible become possible. Because with God everything is possible no matter what happens. AMEN!!

I feel like I've grown so much since I've met Selene... PAUSE..... going to meet her downstairs for breakfast now.

BACK... after being out almost the entire day.

She was waiting for me downstairs near the lift, and was looking at a cat crap and covering up it's own dung. She was smiling at it with approval, that the cat put in the effort to clean up.

She smiled at me, after such a long period of time. I really missed her smile, missed her grabbing my arm, missed her kisses, just about everything. She told me she had mcdonald's for late dinner last night, and I smiled and kissed her cheek, and she smiled back, looking a little unprepared.

During breakfast, we got into a rather conflicting discussion. Because I was looking at some pple playing basketball, and I was itching to shoot a few hoops, so I thought why not approach them and ask if I could take a few shots. She gave a very disapproving look, and told me why she doesn't feel that its right to do such things. That she won't go and do such things because its bothering other people, and that I will be disturbing them and disrupting their game when all they wanted to do was just to have a quiet game on their own without anyone coming around to disturb them. I thought otherwise, cos I found it to be of a trivial matter. It was just basketball, and its a universal language, the person who's playing has a common interest with me, and we know how it works when someone comes on the floor asking politely for a few shots.

She then talked about her principles in general, and kept pointing out that the world isn't filled with butterflies and flowers like I think it is. Basically she was someone who would never approach someone for favors and would as much as possible try to solve her problems by herself and will not be so thick skinned to ask someone to help her if there was any help she needed. As such, she would also try her best to help someone else. At the point of time I didn't think of it as much as magnaminous as it looks as its written, and I found it problematic in fact, that she would deprive herself the chance to get to know more people and to be someone important to others as opposed to just being a passive individual who only seemed to care about herself. It seems like she would rather someone not do her a favour for she finds it difficult and troublesome to return the favor as she'd need to remember the good deeds that the particular person has done for her.

I felt otherwise, although her approach seemed really independent and the whole world would probably be a better place if everyone took care of their own responsibilities instead of keep asking favours from other people. I think this world's already too filled with negativity and I'd like to be a source of positivity to other people and bring happiness to others, taking the initiative to step forward and offer my hand to those who might not seem to have problems but deep down inside they do. After all, God wants us to reach out to those people who aren't within our sights during the little moments that actually represent opportunities in our lives.

I guess the issue is about striking the right balance of both, and after listening to what she said, although I felt a little hurt, I believed that some of those things that she said were really correct. However there were things that I felt that were important were left out by her, and I guess its vice versa for me as well towards her.

When we decided to adjourn to the car, I told her about how I felt towards our relationship, that things have been a little rough, and I told her that I might have not realized that I've been insensitive towards her and I've been selfish because I only cared about what I thought was right, but didn't really give into the account what she was thinking, and just merely did the things that I thought was right without taking into the account that she might not need neither want all those things that I have to offer to her. But I really didn't know how to go about to providing the things that she needed because she never communicated them to me...

She then replied saying that there'd been a difference in expectations once we became a couple, and that there are things that are expected of friends and things that are expected of her boyfriend. She went on to elaborate how the mindset of her boyfriend would be like, and that he would have been able to anticipate and do those things that she needs and fulfill them accordingly. As she began speaking her mind, I could tell that she was speaking and processing her words at the same time. Basically she seemed like thinking verbally. We'd not been able to see things from each other's perspective because we live in such different worlds. She really managed to think just about everything about how some other person would feel by the actions that I chose to make, and she just foresaw in such great detail at how someone might be feeling were I to have said or done something to that particular person. Honestly, I felt that I'm really not like her who would think about so many things the other party is thinking about, but I'm more of someone who's more concerned about how to influence another person and how to make this person feel and become better than he was before.

But both of us aren't wrong at all with our approach towards life, its just that we feel that each of us is doing something that's not completely right, however there can never really be something that's totally right or totally wrong. Its just different.

She then further elaborated about why she reacted in such a nasty way as she would never be able to accept the kind of behaviour and actions that I chose to take. And I myself figured that it was probably just her reaction when it came to unfamiliar approaches to life. She made herself seem more than a man as compared to a woman with all those thoughts that run through her head, with all the experiences that she'd gone through.

Then she asked if I'd thought about all those things. I said I did consider all these things and that I've been thinking about the same things. I went on to tell her about how I felt about the issues that have been going on, and that I was going to be completely honest with her about how I felt about me knowing what I lack and trying to improve, how much I've grown since I've met her, and how pivotal it was for me to meet her and choose to be with her above other girls. Basically tried to put the point across to her that I am pretty aware of my surroundings. I also told her how being in city harvest church changed me and helped me to see things that I've not seen before.

I also told her frankly that in order for us to work, we have to want to make things work. Both of us never really wanted the relationship to end up such a way. However, if things don't end up the way it should be, a problem usually lies somewhere. I told her about my desire to want to get to know her more, but she just always keeps quiet and no matter what I try to say or do just can't seem to get her to open to me, and that in order for me to address her needs, I'd need to gather information by talking to her. And its just been really rough for me recently, and I told her that I was disappointed with the way things turned out. She also expressed to me that since we both started work, we didn't have that much time for each other as before. And that she felt stressed about making the relationship work, having work and studies clumped up together just made things worse. But its not like I don't face the same problem, its just that my work environment happens to be much better. But that's besides the point... the issue was that recently I just didn't sense any desire from her to make things work out well. She also admitted that she had been selfish and been very nasty to me, and she asked why after treating me so nastily I still love her. I told her that I really love everything about her, be it her strengths or weaknesses, be it the amount of hurt she caused me, I still love her because I just simply do and I simply chose to. I stretched out my arms and told her that I loved her that much, and it was as much as I could stretch out. But with the things that've been going, I really don't know why she was with me neither why she had to treat me this way despite loving her so much. She shared with me about her previous experience with Julian, that he spent the night at her place and left at 5am plus to meet his current gf and called off their relationship just like that.

She said that she doesn't want me to go through the same amount of hurt that she'd gone through, and that she held back her feelings for me for fear of hurting me in the future should something bad happen. But the thing is by not showing affection she has already hurt me nonetheless as I really craved to be sharing my life and experiences and everything with her.

The question now was more about the desire to be with me. I told her that the person that I am now can't fulfill all those expectations that she has towards her boyfriend, and I said, "its ok... I really don't have anything right now, I've no money, not spiritually strong by your definition, not the same mindset as you... i guess there's nothing really worthwhile about me to you..." I nearly broke down but I kept my composure, and continued to say... "If there's nothing that you like me about, its ok... I'll be fine, because I know that God will provide for me no matter whatever thing happens. And I've always believe that with God, all things are possible and nothing is impossible. That gave me the confidence to continue to love you and to give you everything that I can possibly give."

"But things won't work out if you don't even like me, just what do you like me for? I don't have anything to offer and I can't meet up to your expectations... I just love you for who you are that's all." And she replied, "I like you because your love for me is real, and its genuine" and she started to tear... and I told her its ok... she then apologized for being such a mean person to me for the past period of time, and asked me for forgiveness. Which I so easily told her, "I've forgiven you long ago." and I asked her, "so can you please forgive me too?" then she asked me, "for what?",

"for whatever happened on Friday... will you forgive me?"

she paused for awhile, and finally said "Yes", to which I said, "again?", and she replied "i forgive you." and we kissed and hugged each other, and she said "i'm sorry for being so nasty to you..."

Earlier on she also said that she herself wanted things to be simple yet things to be complicated, and I also told her the reason why I continued to go after her because of the amount of confidence I had in myself. Although I might not be the guy for her now, but I was confident that God's going to make me into that guy and become someone dependable and successful in the future. And that with God in the centre of my heart, He will make all impossible things possible.

When we made up, I asked her if we just kept things simple just for today and not think about anything else anymore, she smiled. I also asked her if she was happy, and she seemed to nod and that was good enough for me already.

Feels like a long day. But good day.

Could hardly get out of bed this morning till I told myself to get my ass off the bed and get myself feeling fresh and ready to start another new day ahead. Told myself that this was going to be a better day, and I believe by the time I finish writing this entry its gonna be a fantastic day.

Managed to set off punctually and dropped the heart that I folded to the post so Singtel will donate $1 to charitable beneficiaries, and I also sent my Samsung phone warranty too. What's more this morning although I had to crap I was still punctual and even managed to get myself burger king's Enormous omelete egg sandwich which really tasted great and was really very filling too. When I was in the office I shared my hashbrowns with people around the office and saw Daniel at the corner, hesitated a bit cos think he was talking on the phone, and I thought if he ate he'd be munching and talking at the same time, but hey its the thought that counts so I went ahead and offered him which he politely declined gesturing that he'd already eaten. As I continued with my sandwich he patted on my back saying "So early ah Westin?" and I replied "today got training." And he set off for his appointments I guess.

Training started off with Jeanette and I had to role play a few slides to present to Jeanette, and I think I kind of did ok elaborating on the different stages of financial planning to address the needs of the particular client. She also taught us the importance of asking questions to the client to let them speak more so that we can pick out indicators so we can have a much clearer picture of what the client needs and what kind of product will suit them. I guess the key here is to prevent us from explaining to them something which is irrelevant to them and it will just take up unnecessary space in the client's head. There's always a need to ask why, what, how, where, when and which.

Henry didn't really role play much, and I guess I was fortunate to go through more slides to get an even better feel of what its like to create interest and provide relevant and concise information to the client. I found it a real challenge and also think of it as something pretty interesting.

During lunch time went out with Henry, Joyce and Yiting together with Ah Tham and Siewlian, and I purposely had lunch with tham and siewlian so yiting could perhaps get to know Henry and Joyce more. She really seemed like someone who wouldn't really go forward and take the first step to start a conversation. I had fruits for lunch for the very first time in my life today i think, and even shared a little with siewlian. Felt nice because she wasn't that quiet and seemed quite chirpy. ah Tham's a really really nice man and seemed to be able to understand what Siewlian was going through and it was a nice conversation we had during lunch.

Although it seemed to begin to rain, thank Jesus for letting us get back to the office without getting drenched. Training in the afternoon was with Jueshi, and the topic was on how to arouse the client's interest by using some simple concepts and leading questions to get them interested. Jueshi really shared with us some really cool stuff and questions on how to get someone who isn't really interested at first to become interested and enthusiastic just after mentioning a few questions and sentences. It just really seems so easy to these managers, yet its really such an art in which how to manage to someone's interest and most importantly get them to like you. As the training goes by it makes me feel very eager as to when I can begin a real life case where I'll be fully equipped with the product knowledge to help a person plan his finances on a long term basis.

I got really drained by the time Jueshi was finished with his coaching, and when it came to Angela I was barely able to open my eyes. She basically went through with us the products that are sold. Really can't recall that well now.

I'm continuing this entry since Wednesday where Selene finally took the initiative to tell me just what was going on in her mind for the last few days. Honestly I was really emotionally drained, but I kept telling myself to keep my chin up and be optimistic about things. Really much harder than doing the actual thing ladies and gentlemen, takes a real man to be able to really keep these emotions under control especially since I'm just emotional by nature. She told me that she wasn't angry with me anymore, its just that she didn't know how to react to me which was the reason for her not to talk or come into close contact with me. I thought, "ok, fair enough... at least she told me something rather than leave me hanging without any due care for how I was feeling."

She then proceeded to say that she's not been able to find time to settle down and straighten out her thoughts, and needed some time to evaluate the situation. I asked her, "What situation are u referring to and why do you need to evaluate it?" Then she explained the situation being since the beginning we got together, and the need to evaluate to see if we'd be happier together or should we go our seperate ways and to achieve our goals. I was really upset when she said that, cos I felt that the main problem was with her behavior and her lack of emotional control. She's been giving me such attitude problem looking expressions, hardly smiles, always looking away, hardly looking at me, hardly paying any attention to me... I mean, if you think ur frustrated, think again.

But I put aside my frustration and tried to look at things the right way. God's way. Love's way. And told her to take her time and that I missed her a lot, but it didn't seem to touch her heart. Her reply was, "Didn't you see/talk to me just now?" sigh...... felt hurt lor....

Finally asked her if she's going to Festival of Praise, which she replied, "I never said I wasn't going, besides think my sis is going." Is Selene really a nice girl? I wonder... Couldn't she have said things in a more polite manner for example, "I'd love to go together with you"

I just can't figure out why she chooses to say the things she says. I sometimes find it hard to think on a positive note when the replies always seem so unenthusiastic. I've tried to be an understanding and tolerating as I possibly can, although she says that she appreciates my good intentions, she just seems to be so self consuming... i.e. self centered.

Today after the service, her face was so black. Her body language was so poor, she was no longer poised, she was standing on one leg and being all fidgity and didn't say a word. All she was thinking was to get home asap. I was just really disappointed as she didn't seem to care about me when we got off the bus. She just walked quickly without saying, "I'm tired and hungry, would you mind if we walked a little faster?" And she just walked right out in front without waiting for me, and when we finally got to the MRT platform, the west train came and she just said "Bye bye." Inside my heart I was disappointed and I muttered "bye..." and I didn't even board the train and just sat down to wait for the next train. She then came over and asked why didn't I board the train, and I replied that I'm in no hurry to get home. Her train came and then she just said "byebye" again and left without saying a word.

I mean, fine so I walked out on her 4 times. But, how could I possibly stay with such a person who won't talk or smile or even show any interest in spending time with me. I think I'm just being played for a fool. I try very hard to get things to work out, but the other party is always moody and just wants to take advantage of the situation and at the end of things gives excuses that its unintentional and that she wanted things to end up better too.

After today, I'm finding it so hard to be with Selene. Everytime I try to work things out, she's always either in a bad mood or some other kind of mood. I'm really on the verge of giving up. I don't know whether she wants to be with me at all now. If someone loves you would she be so selfish and just leave you behind just to do what she wants?

Heart's just really very hurt after all that I've been through. Its not like I was unfaithful neither did I do anything wrong.

I'm just really frustrated with her at this moment. How can a loved one treat me this way? How in world when I've tried my best to keep her happy that love doesn't come back?

They say that when you love someone, you'd never should expect anything in return.

It's just really easier said than done. But I'm still trying my best to stick to my principles when it comes to love.

Better than nothing...

The day started off good. Felt fresh coming out of bed and washing up. Told myself that this was going to be a great day ahead. And it really turned out not too bad at all.

Woke up early enough and although I needed to crap on my way to work, I still wasn't late and was still 5 mins earlier. Found out my boss' car's windscreen got smashed and the cash card was stolen. Luckily nothing happened to him. But despite that he didn't seem striken with any tinge of sadness and was smiling when I glanced over. Boy... he really has such a positive attitude. Its amazing.

So Dorcas, Henry and I began our first day of training with Bernard. The topic was on Looking for clients, and how to come across to our natural market and set a good first impression that will lead them to want to meet us. There'd been a script that I had memorized when anyone out there were to ask me why I chose Prudential instead of other insurance companies. So in future if anyone were to ask me, I'd reply "How long have you been studying? etc etc... during this period has anyone taught you how to manage your finances for the next half of your life?"

I fasted today properly for the first time and felt good about it in the end. Not just healthy but can feel the presence of the Holy Spirit more potently. This afternoon was a little disorganized cos there were some interviewees that arrived without us knowing their appointments. I remember this girl called Jin whom I found her figure quite stunning. Another lady surname Low was already quite pretty, and today Yiting whom I also find quite pretty started her training in HR today. Yiting was a candidate who was called by me, and I kind of felt proud to bring her in cos she really looked good and seemed like reasonably nice person to work with. However there was a real mix up about her coming for training and I forgot to tell Siew Lian that she'd been accepted as HR staff and was supposed to inform her that she'd be coming for training. There was supposedly another guy who was accepted also but was told to come for training next week instead. Sigh... I was a little flustered and worried during the course of events in the afternoon but it ended up fine and we continued our training with Jeanette.

Jeanette shared with us about the importance of the purpose of what we as financial advisers seek out to do for public. She shared with us a couple of stories as to how our work can impact a person's life in such a great deal if anything happened to him/her. And I just really felt truly honored and realized the kind of integrity and dignity that came along with helping other people cover their risks just in case anything happens in the future. Because no one can guarantee that you will be able to continue being the sole bread winner for your family. What if something happened to you? If you're not insured and covered, you put the close ones around you at risk of not being able to support you and themselves financially.

Jeanette shared with us a couple of stories in which she had experienced, and after that I really felt that everyone of us out there needs to get some plans and policies to cover ourselves just in case anything happens to us. But sometimes things like these are inevitable, so its really hard to predict what kind of plan God has done for us.

However, today's training was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow morning's gonna be role playing and I think its going to be really fun figuring out how the things we choose to say will impact our prospecting clients.

When training ended, we went for break and invited Yiting along. Dorcas and Joyce didn't seem to want to talk to her or get to know her, and I kind of felt that she might feel left out as she doesn't seem like someone who'd initiate a conversation. So I asked her a little more about herself, and ended up sharing with her work experiences and things about life that a normal NUS graduate would not have really thought about. And I managed to get her to listen closely about why I decided to go into this line and the reasons for not getting a "stable" job. After all that talk, I kind of felt good about myself that I've chosen to go into this line. Cos I managed to explain for the right reasons and perhaps even motivate someone to think about her life and what she'd wanna do in the future.

I got Selene a card and a badge exclaiming "Jesus Saves", and I wrote a note at the opposite side of the card as well. I think it should be a matter of time when we'll be able to sit down and talk again. I guess I've done what I needed to do for now, and I just need to be patient with her and let her decide how she's going to react. The nice thing today was that she bought sandwich and brought notes for me. Although she remained silent while I tried to converse with her on our way to the bus stop, I guess I've done what I can and not let my emotions get in the way. I still felt extremely emotional when I saw her today though, and I have to admit I had some trouble trying to suppress it, but I closed my eyes and prayed to God to calm my heart and to let my mind focus on Him. I'd say that things really turned out as good as they could have went just now. Really thank the Lord for the grace He's blessed upon me and Selene.

It was a good day. Tomorrow's gonna be even better. Look forward to each coming day now. Stay positive and stay sharp!